Looking back to go forward
Angels amongst us … Photo by Sandra Butel
I am Sandra Butel and this is my beautywalk.
beautywalk is my effort to find goodness, truth and beauty in the world around me. It is my hope that my words bring some sense of ease and peace to all who read them.
Looking back
Sometimes you have to look back to go forward.
As we near the end of another year I find myself drawn towards the familiar tradition of making some kind of coherent picture of the 365 days that have just flowed, sometimes smoothly, sometimes bumpily, past me. I start my almost annual year end review process by scrolling through my iPhone photos and taking note of where I was and what I was doing in each month. I only get as far back as June before the image of what has come before starts to come more clearly into focus. I notice something as I scroll through the images and take myself back in my mind to all the moments where there is a smile on my face in selfies. I pause for a long time on a series of images of my smiling partner Francis as he gazes back at me with love in his eyes across tables and chairs and beds.
I think about all the moments I have spent with people that I love in beautiful places. I notice that there is a smile on my face and it is getting bigger and bigger as the months go by. I am in awe of all the connections I have made, all the things I have learned and all the times I rode my bike or swam or walked or looked at flowers or talked to friends or laughed or danced or laid on the beach in the sun. It dawns on me as I leave my house today on a snowy December day, how important it is to look back in order to be able to step forward into what comes next. The phrase ‘you have to look back to go forward’ makes its way from my lips to my notes via a voice memo.
Living on the edge ….. Photo by Sandra Butel
Side by side
My eyes are bright and my cheeks are starting to ache from the width of my smile as I make my way down Wellington with a dress that needs mending. Out of the corner of my eye I notice a woman standing a little too far out into the intersection. The light has changed and it is time to make my way across. I turn to glance back at her and she shakes her head side to side and says, in French, “I was in the clouds.” She pauses a moment, gathers her reusable Christmas themed bag on her right shoulder and adds, “Well, I was actually stressing about the family Christmas dinner I’m hosting.”
I smile and say, in my ever improving French, “I was just thinking about how important it is to look back in order to see our way forward more clearly.” Her face scrunches up a bit as we fall in step one beside the other. I nod to myself as I recall how well this side by each position has worked for drawing out the shyness and reticence that I have encountered in my lifetime. We talk about anxiety and how she finds that it is getting more severe as she gets older and I nod and furrow my brow in a half smile and say, “Yes, that seems to be the way for women as we age.”
I stand up a bit straighter and speed up a little to keep pace with her and offer my optimistic view, “I know your dinner is going to be beautiful and that the people you love will smile and eat and laugh and sing and feel joy together just like so many times before.” I surprise myself a little with this declaration but even as the words leave my lips I know they are the right ones and that their truth will come to pass for us both in the days to come. She nods her head in agreement as we fall quietly into step with one another, our boots crunching on the freshly fallen snow beneath them, her voice rising in cadence as she adds, “And they will play games too!.”
She looks over at me for the first time and says, “Thank you so much for that. I am feeling so much better now about all of it.” Her voice speeds up and her words tumble one over the other like kids rolling down a toboggan hill, cheeks rosy and eyes bright. She goes on to tell me stories about tobogganing with her grandson and how her daughter told her that he was so happy when he came home and that he stayed happy for so long after too. I can see that the lines on her forehead have lost a bit of their tightness. The time passes quickly and soon there I am at my destination where I bid her farewell and a happy holiday season. My own smile is bigger than it was when I started my walk a few blocks before.
Year end rituals
I have been engaged in some year end rituals that are supporting this process of looking back to move forward. The first one is the end of year get together of Montreal’s Francophone Sangha, Voie Boreale. This is only our second time at the Plateau Mont Royal based gathering and we are looking forward to an evening with like minded people under the guidance of the teacher Pascal Auclair. The first time we attended the group in person we arrived a little sweaty with our legs shaking after an hour-long pedal; having made the decision to live car free when we made the move to Montreal.
This time we take transit and are amongst the first to arrive; homemade guacamole and chips are our contribution to the seasonal potluck to follow. We place our glass container and the bag of taco chips on the table and make our way to chairs at the back of the room, as I am no longer able to sit cross legged on the floor while Francis remains steadfastly beside me for moral support. People trickle in and take their places on either a chair or a cushion on the floor and soon enough the room is full of relative strangers. I am glad to see Pascal at the front and am looking forward to the evening to come.
Pascal explains that this evening’s practice is going to follow a little different format than the regular weekly gathering. Given the solstice and the end of another year that is just around the corner there are a few surprises in store for those of us who have not attended at this time of year before. He goes on to explain the ritual ahead; one of choosing what we want to leave behind us this year and choosing what we want to bring with us into the new year ahead.
“Another great way to look at the year in review,” I think to myself, a little smile forming on both sides of my lips. The meditation that follows has us focusing first on the unpleasant experiences we have had with others over the past year as we search for source material for the letting go part of the ritual. Then he has us focusing on the wonderful things that came to pass and calling up the sensations in our bodies while they happened.
I am surprised to find that there are so few unpleasant interactions to focus my attention on, having had very little in the way of conflict with others in the year that has come to pass. I realize that I am more at ease in my life and that there is a lot less ‘blame game’ going on for me these days. When we focus on the beauty that we have experienced I find that my mind and heart are filled to the brim with love.
When it is time to share what it is we want to let go of and what we want to cultivate more of in the new year I am the first one up. Maybe it is the knowledge that this kind of sharing is hard for some and that it used to be the same for me. These days I find it easy to share with strangers and figure that this can be my way of being of service to the group by cutting the ice and getting the process started. I walk up to the bowl that has been placed in the centre of a circle of lit candles and tear up my piece of paper in dozens of tiny pieces and drop them inside as I say in my ever more fluent French, “I want to let go of judgment; of myself, of others and of circumstances.” I stand tall and look around me at all the beautiful humans gathered around me and add that in 2026 I wish to focus my energy on cultivating a sense of how much magic there is in myself and in the world around me.
I return to my seat, having shared the truth that came to me as I sat in contemplation, guided by a caring teacher and a group of people who were reflecting on their own truths as well.
What is beauty now? … Photo by Sandra Butel
Letting go
Fast forward a few weeks and I attend another workshop, this time on zoom, led by my light filled yoga teacher and friend, Fiji McAlpine. Today’s yoga practice honours the solstice and all the words that Fiji adds in between postures are focused on the transition that we are all making from the year that has passed towards the brand new one that lies ahead.
Fiji prompts us with a series of questions, designed to put us in the space of moving from one state of being to another. I offer them up here for your own year end reflection in your journal or maybe in discussion with a friend.
* What gifts did the past year give to me?
* What did I learn?
* What did I choose to release this year?
* What gift did I give to myself by releasing it?
* When turning towards the new year that is coming, what do I want to feel?
* What do I want to grow within myself? What will I tend to so that it grows more fully this year?
Fiji McAlpine
The workshop description describes the experience that is offered so well:
“Drop under the surface into the stillness of the deep womb of winter. In the space and darkness of this season, we are most prepared to witness the first spark of something new—the conception point of the next round of growth. When we allow for deep listening with the whole of our being, the soft stir of longing and yearning emerges. This is a whisper of wisdom speaking to our soul, calling forth the next, greatest version of ourselves. In winter, we become the architect, the visionary, who reveals the blueprints that spring will build upon.
This restorative workshop will invite us to settle, to be silent, to listen, and to reflect. There will be gentle movement, deep rest, guided breath work, and reflective practices. Step into the season of true magic in an intentional way.”
Fiji McAlpine
A big part of the magic in my life … Photo by Sandra Butel
There’s good in this world
There it is again, that opening to magic that has become the focus of my intention as I push forward into a new year ahead. I pick up this thread again as I settle into the comfy pillow filled couch at my friend Angela’s house for a Lord of the Rings solstice marathon. I must admit that I am a newbie to the whole Lord of the Rings world, having decided back in my first years of Women’s Studies at the University of Saskatchewan that there were not enough female characters in this series for it to deserve my attention. I am surprised how much I get into the mood of it all, watching the wizards and elves and various other human and super human characters go about their epic business. There is one line from Sam the hobbit that strikes me with such precision that I take out my phone to note it down for later contemplation.
I know. It’s all wrong. By rights we shouldn’t even be here. But we are. It’s like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger they were. And sometimes you didn’t want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened?
But in the end, it’s only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something. Even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back only they didn’t. Because they were holding on to something.
Samwise Gamgee
There is a pause in between for Frodo to ask , “What are we holding on to, Sam?” And I am there with him - wanting so much to know the answer for myself and for all the humans that I can see suffering around me in this world that is so often full of chaos and darkness. In my head I answer, “friendship, connection”- something like that - but I like his answer better.
That there’s some good in this world, Mr. Frodo. And it’s worth fighting for.
Samwise Gamgee
Mic drop. Jaw drop. Deep sigh as I nod my head from side to side. In that moment, cuddled on the couch between a new friend and someone I just met, I decide that this is my mission going forward; to look for goodness all around and within me. As we walk home, my arm linked inside his, as he stakes his claim on being my supporter when the way gets icy or bumpy or there is a big step down or up ahead, I open my eyes to see what magical good I can see all around me.
The good
There are moments when I am leaning into the comfort of his solid presence where the parable of the footsteps in the sand come back to me once again. It is not surprising to me that it is another imperfect human being who is at my side and my heart flushes with gratitude at all the wonderful people who I have gathered around me as I make my way from young to old, from life to death, from lost to found. For me it is my yoga and meditation teachers and my coaches and coaching clients and the massage therapists and notaries and in-laws and friends, and most importantly, my partner and my son that gather around me to hold the weight of whatever it is that is feeling heavy at the moment. A kind tone of voice, a smile, a wink, a silly joke, an invitation, a soft touch on the shoulder or on the top of my head, a clear note held in sustained exhale, the vibrating energy of a singing bowl when exposed to friction, arms open wide in comfort and welcome.
What magic there is in this moment here now; what good there is the world around me. I am ready to fight to keep looking for it on every step of my beautywalk.
I am Sandra Butel and this is my beautywalk. What’s yours?
Wishing you and yours all the best for a new year full of light and love.
Let your little light shine … Photo by Sandra Butel
Resources for Further Study and Personal Growth
For more from Fiji check out her ongoing workshops on Do Yoga With Me, join her for a yoga retreat in a beautiful setting or online for an enlightening workshop experience. You will not be disappointed.
You can find Pascal Auclair on the Happier Meditation App which is a great resource filled with insight from a whole lot of wonderful teachers, including: Sharon Salzberg, Joseph Goldstein, Sebene Selassie, Jeff Warren, Roshi Joan Halifax and more. There are daily meditations as well as courses that will help you get just a little bit happier day by day.
I am here with my never-ending search for truth, my human heart and my Professional Coach Certification (PCC) from the International Coaching Federation to be of assistance to you in your own journey of finding your own place of equilibrium. I have over 500 hours of experience working with clients and am sure that the time we spend together will bring immense value to us both.
For a free consultation with me all you have to do is book yourself into my calendar. We will spend some time getting to know one another and by the end of the 75 minutes it will be clear if a coaching relationship with me is what is needed in your life right now. There is no pressure here to buy, simply an offer from someone who has been through a whole lot of challenges and come out the other side. A little stronger, a little more humble, a little more ready to lend an ear.
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