Not a problem
I am not a problem to be solved … Photo by Sandra Butel
I am Sandra Butel and this is my beautywalk.
beautywalk is all about pausing to reflect on what is going on both inside and outside of myself in the hopes that I can find some wisdom there that can be a comfort to myself and others
Not a problem
I’ve come to a big realization lately.
I am not a problem to be solved.
You are not one either.
There’s a difference
It all starts in my session with a fellow coach when she introduces the concept of there being a difference between a problem and a situation. A problem, in the way she explains it, is something that can be submitted to hard work and dedication, and piece by piece, can be solved, like a puzzle with a final known state and a fixed number of pieces. If we set our direction and take one step at a time we will, with some effort, move closer and closer to a time when the problem is resting in the past, having received the energy it needed to resolve into something that no longer needs to take its place on our list of things to do.
A situation, on the other hand, is a force that is beyond our sphere of influence and no amount of flexing our problem-solving muscles will dislodge or even influence it. A situation just is and if we approach it like a problem we will just be spending our energy on something that will never be other than what it is.
Shitty situations
I think about this for a while, my eyes shifting to the corner of the room in front of me, not worrying about what the little box image of me on our google meets screen might be doing. “That’s interesting. So a problem is something we can solve while a situation is something we have to learn to accept and live with the best we can?” I venture. “It makes me think about a client I have been working with lately who is having difficulty accepting that not all issues can be solved with her regular tactics of hard work, respect of the rules and guidelines and a desire for resolution and for fairness. She has been expressing to me recently a desire to just give up, to stop trying to make things better, to just let herself be as laissez-faire about resolving a conflict as her opponent seems to be. She has shared with me the metaphor a friend of hers has come up with to describe what is going on and these words ring true for me as well for things I have been through”.
“It’s a shitty situation. That is the truth of it. And as you clear off one layer of shit they are just going to keep on piling new shit on top. It will always be shit no matter what efforts you make or don’t make.”
I want to fix it
I clear my throat and say, “I find myself starting to get pulled into that place of trying to offer solutions to my client’s problem. I know this is not how it works. I know that I can only stand by her and offer my ears and heart and presence while she figures out how to solve her own problems; draw her own conclusions.” I take a deep breath and then, “But her experience is sounding an awful lot like my own and I notice a desire to find the right way for her to respond to this situation so that maybe, just maybe, if I can help her fix hers I can finally fix what ails me and be free of the pain that strikes me from time to time when I least expect it.” A further pause as I ponder, “But if the circumstances that have arisen for her (and for me) are not, in reality, problems that can be solved, and I sincerely suspect that they aren’t, then all I can do is be with her (and me) as she (we) learns to accept it and see it clearly for what it is - a situation that is not within her (our) control; that is beyond the scope of her (our) most steadfast of intentions.”
Reflections on long shadows Photo by Sandra Butel
The gravity of it all
“I heard about it recently on a podcast and they gave the example of the force of gravity as being a situation.” She pauses to see if I am following and smiles at me with her kind sparkly eyes before continuing, “When scientists first proved that gravity existed they also realized that all the efforts in the world would never result in allowing humans to lift off of the ground in flight of their own volition.” I nod my head and knit my brows a bit, thinking I know where she is going with this but waiting to see how, when and if the fullness of the metaphor will hit inside my own cerebral palace. “No matter what we do, gravity will not disappear - we can’t make it go away - we can’t end it - it will always be there.” Ouch. I feel that one in the middle of my chest where all my pain of the past seems to live.
She goes on, “So what can we do to get to know it better - to start with acceptance of what is, that it exists, that it pulls against us at all times and that no amount of wanting will ever make it not be what it is?” I nod my head empathically and add, “Oh how clearly I can see this in my client’s situation. I have been trying to get her to a place of acceptance of what is and encouraging her to find compassion and care for herself in the midst of it.” And yes, it occurs to me as I say this that this is also a task that’s still uncompleted in my own situation, no matter how much progress I have already made.
She continues, “If we can accept its existence and get to know its properties we will be better able to see what we can do with it - knowing it will always be there - knowing that it is not a problem - but is just a fact of life on earth.” There are tears flowing down my cheeks now as the gravity of what she is saying finally hits me.
We pause together in the power of the moment and then she goes on, “Another fascinating thing about the metaphor is that it was soon after the discovery of gravity’s pull was made and all hopes of humans flying were dashed that the Wright Brothers came up with the concept of an airplane.” This gets my little heart beating just a little faster. I rush to make my own interpretation of this conflagration.
“So, with the force of gravity pulling down on us, our job becomes learning to understand it and work with it so that we can build our own planes that use its energy to take us where we want to be going.”
What now?
After our session is over I find myself putting some words down on paper. I take what I have just heard and do my best to piece it together into some sort of extended metaphor that will help me to better illuminate where I am going.
So, if as clever human beings we have figured out how to make a plane fly and tuck ourselves away inside of it, I am toying with the idea that we have indeed figured out, in our own unique way, how to fly. Well not to fly, per se, but we ended up in flight, high above the clouds looking down over the earth, freed from the pull of gravity all the same.
So if gravity is a situation and things that have happened to us are situations, and not as we thought problems with a solution, what are the implications for how I might approach the struggles of my own life and those of my clients in a different, more compassionate way?
The question
I pose this question to myself:
“What kind of planes have I built to fly in spite of the gravity of the situation that made it impossible for my past Boss Lady self to keep flying in the world of wonder that my team and I had made?”
The answer
The answer comes in a flow of frantic scribbles.
I have built a writing practice, a meditation practice, a daily yoga practice, knowledge about how the brain works, knowledge about deep listening, a deeper knowledge of the sacredness of all things. I have come to truly see the beauty all around me and to sense the connectedness amongst all things; as I lean into the non separateness of me and us and them. I have deepened my ability to be with what is. I have built more patience and love and peace and equanimity as a direct result of the situation I had found myself in; as a result of coming up against something I could not solve; something that in the end wasn’t a problem, wasn’t another dilemma that my planner's mind could work my way through. All I could do was to find a way to be with the situation as it was; to find a way to be patient - more patient than I had ever thought possible - more patient than I was before - more tolerant, more open, more curious, more humble, more honest, more true, more kind, more giving, more conscious and intentional about how I live my life.
The fruits of our labours ... Photo by Sandra Butel
The answer (continued)
I have become more discerning and am less influenced by what other people think of me. I am less fawning, less sensitive, less weighed down by the little things all while being more adventurous, more courageous, more articulate. I find myself less blunt, less judgmental, less dramatic, less afraid, less stressed out, less tired. I am more attentive, more loving to myself and others, more accepting, more flexible (physically, mentally, emotionally). I am at the same time both less black & white and more colourful. I spend way less time in the mind space of a victim as I lay down less blame in favour of more gentle touches from my hands and my heart. The person I see in the mirror each day is more friendly, more relaxed, more willing to try new things. Most of the time she is also less rigid and less controlling.
I have a better sense of humour, a greater sense of gratitude as well as greater knowledge about how the world actually works. I find in myself a greater ability to laugh at things that are hard, a greater ability to say what I mean and greater skill at knowing when to say no and actually saying it. This all adds up to a clearer sense of who I truly am and who I am not; as I appreciate just how the light and the dark mixup. As I develop my ability to hear what nature has to teach me, I find a greater spiritual connection to all things as well as an increased faith in my abilities. I have much less desire to fix things for others as well as less compulsion to carry things that are not mine that comes along with more skill at seeing what is mine and what belongs to others. I am learning to put down the idea that somehow I need to try harder than everyone else and that I have been called on to be special in the burden that I have been called on to bear somehow. I rejoice in the newfound ease with which I am able to laugh at myself and at the unpredictable ways that life plays out. There is less time spent determining if I am either better or worse than anyone else as the need to compare and contrast has been fading with time’s passing. I am less critical of my physical appearance and as I put less effort into convincing others to like me, I find myself much more comfortable in my own skin.
What a lot of airplanes I have built.
Collecting colours … Photo by Sandra Butel
Flying together
I realize as I write this that I have invited others to join me on the ride. I look to my left and to my right and I see a small gathering of souls, all of us strapped in with our seatbelts fastened, as we soar high above the picturesque landscapes of the varying terrain beneath us. I can see clearly from up here in my carefully crafted vessel that my daily efforts to try to solve the problem of the unpleasant emotions and thoughts and judgments and fears that pop up into my and my clients’ consciousness without volition are not what’s needed here.
There is a loosening of the tightness in my chest as I draw a deeper breath up, up, up from the depth of my belly. I pause to hold it in at the top for a few seconds before my open mouthed sigh of an exhaled breath brings my shoulders down from around my ears where they have been raised up high and ready. Some of the burden that I have been carrying can be laid down for a rest. There will always be situations that are outside of my control and my job is to make space for them.
I am not a problem to be solved and neither are you.
He, she, they are not either and neither is our life itself as human beings with our prehistoric brains that create so much that is not of our own making.
As the Buddha said, “Life is suffering,” or in the words I heard the other day from Sharon Salzberg’s lips, “Sometimes things hurt.” And the only thing we can do is to sit quietly, and say,
“There, there, my dear love, I am here beside you, ready and able to see this through.”
When I am feeling pain or sorrow or whatever it is that I do not happen to like I focus on my breath or on the sensation of air upon my skin and I ask myself, “Sandra, is this a problem or a situation?” Whatever the answer, I know that now, I have more chance of moving ahead with wherever the reply is pointing.
I am reminded here of the Serenity Prayer in its wooden frame that was pinned up on the bulletin board in my Dad’s home office throughout my childhood. May its words bring you comfort as you continue on your own beautywalk journeys.
God, grant me
the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference. *
I am Sandra Butel and this is my beautywalk. What’s yours?
********************************************************************************************
*Feel free to substitute the word God with whatever might resonate best with you.
Baby sized bouquets are also beautiful … Photo Sandra Butel
Resources for Further Study and Personal Growth
There are so many great resources out there to assist us on our beautywalk journeys. The comparison between a problem and a situation that my colleague Fiji McAlpine was talking about comes from Seth Godin. Here is a link to a TikTok with coach Mel Robbins that outlines his idea in a clear and accessible way. You can also take the time to listen to his recent conversation with Steven Bartlett on his Diary of a CEO podcast.
I have my Professional Coach Certification (PCC) from the International Coaching Federation and over 500 hours of experience working with clients who all tell me that their time with me has been an invaluable part of making the changes that they most needed to make. If you are interested in knowing what working with me might be like you are welcome to book yourself in for a free consultation.
If you are an ICF certified coach and are looking for a great way to give back to a well deserving community, I would highly recommend you sign up as a volunteer coach with Up With Women . I have very much enjoyed learning and growing with my clients over the last few years with this national charity that is, according to their website, “on a mission to help recently homeless and at-risk women & other gender minorities build a sustainable pathway out of poverty”.
If you are interested in trying out petsitting yourself you can use this link to get 25% of your membership.
Share this newsletter with others by clicking the icons below: