Spent blossoms

Sandra Butel beautywalk coaching midlife love pruning deadhead internal family systems Gangster Gardening healing letting go pruning sacred — *The blossoming of the day …* Photo by Sandra Butel

I am Sandra Butel and this is my beautywalk.

beautywalk thematics as of late. Death. Dying. Getting older. Turning towards my discomfort. Healing. Cycles of life repeating. Old pains inside my body and my mind. Getting rid of that which no longer serves me.

Resisting my advances

Here I sit at the orange covered card table that used to get pulled out growing up in Southey, Saskatchewan when guests came to visit my family home and my Mom needed more room for the Bessie Butel-worthy “wonder-buffet” of food she had created or when, as its unofficial name suggests, we were going to play some cards together. I woke up today with a headache, maybe a symptom of a mild case of the keto flu. We are four days in and it is the first time Francis is joining me for this super low carb adventure. Teamed up in this way it has so far gone off without a hitch and I find myself enjoying the extra fat and protein and not missing the carbs even if my head is feeling a little wobbly from the lack of glucose in my system.

Whatever the reason might be, the words that usually flow without end have been resisting my advances, not wanting to come out to play with me, either on the page or on the screen of my laptop. I am not feeling like pushing myself too hard these days, knowing how many years I spent in this place of pushing and pushing until there was no more energy left inside of me for what mattered most.

In between

I am in an ‘in between’ place. The one that I dreamed of when I was fully buried in the stress of my more than 9 to 5 life. I never could seem to get to all the things crowding my to-do list and the work tasks were always being given the best of me and leaving me wrung out, heavy with fatigue. There was a sour smell of ‘too muchness’ that so many of us know all too well and all my efforts were placed on carrying on as if everything was a-okay. My relationships suffered from lack of attention; none more so than the one I had with myself.

Buzzing

It didn’t seem that important at the time. With my constant state of ‘go, go, go’, my life, as one of the top producing worker bees, was all a buzz with what I believed, at the time, was my all important busyness. There was little time put aside to ponder my existence and no tucked away moments to look back on what had already happened, both inside and outside of myself. There was certainly no room for comfort or care or for letting go of any of my heavy burdens that might allow me to breathe a little easier.

Letting go

It doesn’t all make sense to me yet. This middle place where I find myself, in between all the newness I have created for myself and the next place of grounded understanding where I will eventually end up. There is a growing sense within me that some of what I have brought into my life doesn’t fit any longer. There is a resistance that comes up when I think of letting go completely of some way of thinking, some new or old habit or obligation I have let myself attach myself to along the way. The people pleaser part of me pops up, scared as always that pulling myself away from this or that and fully embracing the newest version of myself, will result in more names being added to the list of people who do not, to put it as mildly as possible, find me their cup of tea.

My new path

I can sense a big ‘a-ha’ on the horizon and I peer longingly to make it out more clearly. It is still just colours and shapes and an interior sensation that I cannot put my finger on; cannot in my writer’s way of making sense of the world, find the words to bring it from its haziness into sharp focus and clarity.

I am on a new path, of that I am certain. There is something shifting in me, something opening up ever wider and even though I have not yet come to fully understand where I am going, I know I am headed somewhere good.

Regular three hour deep massages with a somatic healer, almost daily meditation and writing, Internal Family Systems therapy every two weeks, steady and life changing recovery after hip surgery, an upcoming trip to Europe, my ongoing yoga and Pilates practice, a karma yoga role taken on at a brand new studio called Shakti Yoga just down the street, going back to reading actual books and separating myself from my phone, weekly activities with new friends as part of Sole Sisters Montreal, non stop reading of novels and memoirs and books about consciousness, a weekly Sacred Engagement trio, and pro bono coaching with two women struggling to find balance in their lives. All of this adds up to something big and even if I do not at the moment fully grasp what it is, I know that this is the next step in my growth and healing.

My attempts at writing and sharing my story, both in my blog and in the memoir I have been working on for some time now, have brought me to a new cliff edge. I peer over it, my tummy dropping down as far as it will go as my stomach juices clamour to process the latest hard to digest realizations. I pause here to catch my breath, take a clear look around and get my bearings before I step off, wings splayed wide, into the wonder of the next stage of my life.

Deadhead

I have a confession to make.

As I ponder the next stage of my existence, I find myself exhibiting behaviours that have added me into the class of people that have come, collectively and individually, to be known as Deadheads.

Before you start imagining me on the road, decked out in head to toe tie dye let me just say that my sort of Deadhead has more to do with encouraging plants to bloom than it does with being part of the colourful community of uber fans of the Grateful Dead.

Deadheading

I have started engaging in the daily practice of deadheading whatever spent blossoms I can find on my travels. This practice involves quiet concentration and with small hand and arm movements to remove the finished blossoms I have been creating piles of these nutrient rich leftover pieces to bring their final hurrah of contribution to the soil. I find no sadness in this task; there is no grief in what is now dead and gone, and it is with a sense of duty to the potential of future blooms, that I set myself to this diurnal assignment, a small smile upon my lips. I think about the extra nutrients that will be directed away from making seeds and towards making more colourful flowers appear as if by magic.

I gaze upon the fragile blooms in the plethora of plants around me that all shine bright and pretty for a time and then inevitably they, like all other living things, start to fade. I wonder at the reluctance of the plant to let them go, to admit that their time of vibrant glory is now dead and gone. I see my job as a dedicated deadheader to take some time each and every day to bend over the patch of flowers, whether day lilies or pansies or geraniums and pinch off the used up dullness of what used to be so gay. I approach this labour of love with a soft heart, focused and attentive eyes and the intention to take the time to remove each remnant of the plant's former glory, one spent blossom at a time.

Barefoot and cool

A recent trip to the inlaw’s chalet found me barefoot and cool in my two piece mismatched bikini making my way from patch to patch of bright orange day lilies to break off yesterday’s brightness and beauty. My sister in law commented on my endeavour on one of her break’s from her hybrid work day, “I see that you have found yourself a job, Sandra. I see you returning to it day after day.” I smiled softly and replied,

“There is something so satisfying about removing the spent blossoms, knowing that it leaves more room for the next batch of beauty to bloom forth when their turn does come.”

Gangster Gardening

I remember first hearing this tidbit of gardening information on Ron Finley’s Master Class on Gangster Gardening. This no nonsense teacher made it all seem so simple as he invited one and all to put their hand to growing beauty where before there had been none. His biggest claim to fame was in having converted a deserted lot in south LA into a place of loving growth, earning him the title of Gangster Gardener; an activist inviting new life to an area that had had its share of hardships. The part that hit me most was his detailed explanation of how important it was to remove any part of the plant that through its wilt or yellowing showed that it was failing to thrive.

The importance of pruning

Given my recent focus on clearing out that which no longer serves me in my post surgery and post music career life, Ron’s comparison of plants with humans, in how we deal with injury, managing our energy, and healing, seemed as good a place as any to begin to make sense of the current season of my own life. Plants, like humans, have a tendency to continue to send their energies towards a dying or broken or dried out part of their beings, even though it only serves to have a negative impact on the overall health of the organism itself. Ron urged his listeners to be diligent in their pruning, to cut off the dying parts to stop the resource drain and force the plant’s energy to refocus on sprouting new leaves and flowers instead. This process of removing old debris, he explained, also serves to physically open up the plant’s structure, improve airflow and in the end let more sunshine in.

Giving thanks

So here I am, whether on my balcony or at the inlaw’s chalet or even along the pedestrian crossing that leads to the double wide walking and cycling path along the St. Lawrence River a mere block from our new apartment, pausing to remove the dead and dying parts one by one. As I make my way from stem to stem, I add in a word of love and gratitude to the flowers that brought such beauty with their brief burst of light and colour and form so sublime.

Thank you for the light and colour you brought to bear on this ever changing earth.
Thank you for your burst of beauty that has brought such joy to hearts both old and young.

Awash with love

My own soft steady solo gorilla gardening fills me with such a wash of love. What a wonder it is to gaze upon the burst of colour and life and hope of a garden full of blooms. I feel so lucky to be able to enjoy the fruits of other people’s labours, whether that of a neighbour, a city worker or a community association who have spent many a yesterday tending to today’s bouquets.

Future loveliness

I gaze down softly at the tiny buds, protective coating keeping them safe for a while, awaiting their own brief moments of opening to the sun. I whisper:

“I see you, my future lovelies.”

“I am here to remove that which weighs you down; to gather up that which no longer serves you.”

A nod of my head as I take in their quiet hope filled presence and add:

“May you flourish bright for all to see, your full beauty touching the suffering hearts who need the comfort most.”

A fistful of dead blossoms in my hand, a toss in the air for a soft landing on the fertile earth below as I do my little part to complete nature’s circle of life and death and rebirth ever turning.

I am Sandra Butel and this is my beautywalk. What’s yours?

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Resources for Further Study and Personal Growth

Sole Sisters Ramblers is an international organization whose goal is to connect and empower women in midlife and beyond. If you are over 45 and have been wanting to find some other women your own age to walk or dine or karaoke or just plain hang out with, check out these links for the Canadian chapters. I have very much enjoyed my time with members of the Montreal group and look forward to many more adventures to come.
Sacred Engagement is an immersive program for those who want to live more fully—and sense there is more to discover. I have completed the first two modules and would highly recommend this course to anyone that is looking for a way to be more present in their own life. I am part of a weekly trio with two other practitioners and have been able to strengthen my ability to listen deeply to myself and others.

I have just begun delving into the work of Richard Schwartz and Internal Family Systems (IFS). It is all very new for me and I am cautiously optimistic that this new tool will result in some more insight into myself and other humans. I am not promising that it will solve all of my or others difficulties but am curious enough to learn more.

I have my Professional Coach Certification (PCC) from the International Coaching Federation and over 500 hours of experience working with clients who all tell me that their time with me has been an invaluable part of making the changes that they most needed to make. If you are interested in knowing what working with me might be like you are welcome to book yourself in for a free consultation.
If you are an ICF certified coach and are looking for a great way to give back to a well deserving community, I would highly recommend you sign up as a volunteer coach with Up With Women . I have very much enjoyed learning and growing with my clients over the last few years with this national charity that is, according to their website, “on a mission to help recently homeless and at-risk women & other gender minorities build a sustainable pathway out of poverty”.
If you are interested in trying out petsitting yourself you can use this link to get 25% of your membership.

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