In the driver’s seat
How about them apples? … Photo by Sandra Butel
I am Sandra Butel and this is my beautywalk.
beautywalk is a state of mind; an openness like the wide expanse of blue of the sky where I can peacefully and thoughtfully ponder the deeper meaning of the life that I am leading. It is my hope that my words find their way into the hearts and minds that most need them.
In the driver’s seat
I got back in the driver’s seat today.
It happens by complete accident. I find myself, once again, nudged forward by a seemingly random intervention by an invisible hand who always seems, in the long run, to have my best interests at heart.
It all starts with the generous offer of a trip to my inlaw’s chalet that is hastily and gratefully accepted; a last minute invitation to a lovingly cared for space in the country being well worth the scramble of scheduling and rescheduling that follow. There is an inkling that this time around we will try a new car rental service and after some research on price and insurance offerings and distance from home, we decide to book our 1st Communauto ride-sharing vehicle. It isn’t until we have accepted the terms and conditions that Francis remembers that he has not signed up to this service as a driver and it becomes clear that our trip out of town will need to be piloted by me.
Shift in focus Photo by Sandra Butel
Force of habit
It is likely by force of habit that the story that my brain chooses to tell me next, the one that it holds on tightly to be true, is of a need to find a way to pass this responsibility back to him.
Isn’t it he whose shoulders have held the weight of being the driver for more time than not of the almost 40 years we have been together?
Doesn’t that make it obvious that this is just the way it is meant to be?
I wonder …
What idea is this I have created?
Is it a role I carry from previous generations as I watched my Mom take on the role of passenger and aide in navigation, only taking over the wheel for short periods of time while my Dad feigned sleep with his eyes flickering open to keep us safe?
Do I truly want to end up like my Mom who did not learn how to put fuel in the car until well into her 80s?
I pause for a moment to recollect the unexpected tenderness of this interaction with a daughter in the role of teacher to the Mother who took on the rare role of student for a while.
What of all those months when I headed off up and down the highway with my true blue zoom zoom Mazda 3 as my only companion?
I found myself well capable then, the years of danger of nodding off behind the wheel having been left behind like so many other vestiges of a lifestyle that is no longer.
What makes me so willing to bow down to the nervous energy around the level of a skill that I have long ago proven myself to have in hand?
And what am I willing to give up in terms of autonomy and contribution for the comfort of the view from the passenger side of each and every new vehicle that we rent now that we are a family without a car to call our own?
From ‘hell no’ to ‘heck yes’
I must admit that the reality that there seems to be no real choice but to bite the bullet and give it the old college try makes the transition from ‘hell no’ to ‘heck yes’ a much smoother one for me to make.
100% responsible
I am reminded here of the words of Sadhguru in his book, Inner Engineering: A Yogi’s Guide to Joy. He urges us all to give clear thought to our own level of personal responsibility; a topic that for me harkens back to many poignant moments throughout my life. My favourite book, Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein, explores this theme in much precision and depth and its lesson is one I return to over and over again.
According to Sadghuru (and Shelley too), being responsible is not about taking on everyone else’s burdens (which I have tried and failed to do again and again throughout my life). It is more about taking full responsibility for ourselves. It’s about believing that we are 100% responsible for our thoughts, feelings, joys and miseries, because nobody else dictates how we experience our life internally.
In this world view there is no one else to blame and no circumstances that will allow us to abdicate the divine right of living the lives that we have been given. If we can but embrace the fact that everything we experience is happening inside of ourselves and not outside and separate from ourselves, as we have long been taught, then we will focus our attention on taking care of those things that we can have some influence over.
“Everything that ever happened to you, you experienced right within you. Light and darkness, pain and pleasure, agony and ecstasy—all of it happened within you. If someone touches your hand right now, you may think you are experiencing their hand, but the fact of the matter is you are only experiencing the sensations in your own hand. The whole experience is contained within. All human experience is one hundred percent self-created.”
“Being responsible is taking ownership of your life. It means you have taken the first radical step to becoming a complete human being—fully conscious and fully human. In taking responsibility and beginning the journey toward conscious living, you are putting an end to the age-old patterns of assigning blame outward or heavenward. You have begun the greatest adventure life has to offer: the voyage inward.”
Sadhguru
Background, foreground, grounded ... Photo by Sandra Butel
Back behind the wheel
So instead of hoping for a reprieve and for Francis to find a way to keep being the primary driver I decide to look at this as an opportunity to put myself back, literally and figuratively, behind the wheel. I take a deep breath and decide that this is just the right moment for me to take on the role of responsible driver instead of the one of passive passenger who has been for so long, just along for someone else’s ride. It is time for me to create the driving experience that I most wish to have; to embrace the offering that has placed itself in front of me; to see just what I am made of today.
Once a prairie girl …
A little more context might be needed for some of you to understand the major change in traffic and driving challenges for a prairie girl coming from a city of less than 200,000 to a metropolis of millions. I spent my driving years maneuvering the same streets over and over and my first driving test was in a town of only 800 with a little more than 2 dozen streets to make my way up and down in order to pass my test. Even there I must admit it took two tries for me to master and to walk away the proud owner of a Class 5 driver’s license. Sitting behind the wheel of a rental car in my new city of Montreal is kind of a big deal that requires me to believe that my skill set and abilities are capable of being expanded.
Free wheeling
What a gift my choosing to take my place behind the wheel turns out to be; the sensations of wellbeing in my body, mind and spirit come back to me in full just like over 4 years ago when I set off on my post RFF, post Covid roadtrip on my own. I remember so clearly the sounds of the tires as they bumped over the strips of metal that were affixed to the roadway in various places, or the clicking of the signal light to the left as I moved to overtake a slower moving vehicle, or the quick mirror check that let me know there was enough room to offer safety to us both.
What a sense of freedom I felt then, sunroof wide open, the breeze blowing on my still short and well groomed locks, no particular destination in mind, no pressure to be something that I was not.
Look, Sandra, look
Back to today’s driving adventure, hands on 9 and 3 upon the wheel. The sun slopes down on the deep green of the leaves as they shimmer and shake in the late summer breeze. It plays upon both the grey stability of fresh pavement newly laid and the intermittently mismatched patches that are beginning to show their age. The vastness of the sky with the ever changing wisps of clouds passing by on their way to somewhere new. The mountains in the background that are pointed to by road signs that have only their names and yet seem to be shouting out to me,
“Look, Sandra, look, look at the majesty around you as you may not pass this way again.”
There is a surreal sense within me of connection; of being at one with the ephemeral and constantly moving scene that appears and disappears all around me.
Zoomed in real close … Photo by Sandra Butel
Inside not out
How wonderful it is to be one of the living creatures on this particular spin around the block.
At one point I gasp internally to realize that all of this I see and hear and taste and feel and smell is happening inside of me. Not outside as it would seem, but inside of this spectacular machine that has been offered in full service to the spirit that is me. I glance around me at the steady stream of vehicles; the trucks, the cars, the motorcycles and a smile creeps up the left side of my face as I catch sight of a bicycle crossing the road on the overpass ahead. Inside each of these vehicles, lies other magical lives of beauty that, like me, are taking it all in.
Butterfly kisses
From my perch on a cream coloured Adirondack chair I can hear the sounds of battling hummingbirds interjecting on the steady whoosh and flow of the pond’s waters as they tumble down towards the stream. There are flowers in bloom all around me; hydrangeas ranging in colour from white to a light and luscious green, the heady presence of brown eyed Susans in their joyful sunflower yellow and the occasional pink of the less prolific Echinacea peeking out at me from amongst the sea of green.
How wondrous it all is. Goosebumps rise upon the surface of my skin - starting at my shoulders and tickling down to the tips of my fingers before making the leap across space and time to the bare skin of my crossed legs. Their touch is like the feather touch of 100s of butterfly kisses, so soft and sensuous and charged with promise for the state of being I happen to be in.
There is a sense of peace and vastness around and within me as I ponder, pen in hand and thanks in heart for what this world has seen fit to offer. The thrum and whirr of the female hummingbird with her lack of iridescence as she comes ever closer in a motion filled flutter, her curiosity about the bright yellow of my dress overtaking for but a moment her sense of fear at the unknown nature of our encounter. My heart surges with recognition at the life force that beats her wings to a hover; the sense that all is right with the world in this moment thanks to the gifts of the earth that is our Mother.
I am Sandra Butel and this is my beautywalk. What’s yours?
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What the hummingbird saw … Photo by Francis Marchildon
Resources for Further Study and Personal Growth
As mentioned in the previous pages I have found deep resonance in Sadhguru’s book Inner Engineering. I am listening to the audio book version and really enjoy the tone of his voice as well as the content of his words.
My experiences of getting out into the countryside have brought so much joy and peace to my mind, body and spirit. Take yourself outside whenever you get the chance, my friend. I am around for a walk and talk if you are ever in the Montreal area!
I have my Professional Coach Certification (PCC) from the International Coaching Federation and over 500 hours of experience working with clients who all tell me that their time with me has been an invaluable part of making the changes that they most needed to make. If you are interested in knowing what working with me might be like you are welcome to book yourself in for a free consultation.
If you are an ICF certified coach and are looking for a great way to give back to a well deserving community, I would highly recommend you sign up as a volunteer coach with Up With Women . I have very much enjoyed learning and growing with my clients over the last few years with this national charity that is, according to their website, “on a mission to help recently homeless and at-risk women & other gender minorities build a sustainable pathway out of poverty”.
If you are interested in trying out petsitting yourself you can use this link to get 25% of your membership.
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