It comes in waves

India beautywalk Goa Sandra Butel waves the field coaching consciousness Shrinking positivity mental fitness beach — *Seaside seat …* Photo by Sandra Butel

I am Sandra Butel and this is my beautywalk.

beautywalk is my way of finding love and beauty in the midst of our very real human struggles.

Counting our blessings

My mismatched two piece swimsuit is laid out in a sunny spot on the walkway that leads from our cozy palm shaded cottage to the open air seating area where we just enjoyed our complimentary breakfast. As we sat cozied up on the wicker loveseat contemplating the wispy trees framing this specific South Goan stretch of the Arabian Sea in front, we paused to count our blessings.

How lucky I feel to find myself here in this brand new sea facing resort, complete with whites and blues and pinks and yellows and the not so far off blue grey of the sea. Time has slowed down and all there is for a moment is the cawing of the crows that rest in the branches of the trees high above. Our day spreads out before us, the promise of sun and shade and frolicking each with our own best friend in the salty brine of the sea, or maybe in the secret lagoon that we found at the south end of the beach; formed by the joining of a river and the sea.

Less can be more (if we let it)

We have both slept so soundly since our arrival here and there is a palpable sense of relief as we are faced with so many less choices. There are only three restaurants set out along this vast, almost deserted stretch of sand to choose from, all with a 4.4 rating. Each menu offers what feels like too many options for our overtaxed, over-stimulated brains; travellers on a mission of discovery, still grateful to weigh less options.

You comment to me as we flip and float and swim alone in our peaceful reverie, how great it feels to be back in your body. I feel it too. That ease of limbs made liquid, the beauty of shape and colour and light as the sun touches upon the graceful movements of my tattoo covered arms. I have always loved watching my arms moving in the water, the trick of shade and highlight, the soft emotion of peaceful motion. Skin and bone and sinew; I am grounded here; my senses taking over with sounds and smells and tastes and sights and sensations being all there is to be.

The ‘shoulds’ and the ‘what ifs’

So why pray tell does my brain insist on pulling me towards the deeds undone; the tasks that need completion? What else is there to do besides being here with what is actually happening? There are accusations of laziness and lack of courage to press forward on projects that never will manifest or come into the world if I spend my days just dreaming. The accompanying pressure in my upper belly makes breathing less than easy. I am called to attention. I am called to what ifs and shoulds and all the words that leave me feeling less than comfortable in my body.

What is it that pulls me back again and again to this idea that I am only as valuable as the latest accomplishment beside my name? What is it that causes me to go from pure and simple bliss to that perpetual swirl of not enough? And how can I let its influence pass without catching me up in its fierce wind of empty feeling?

No more running, running

I pause in my writing to chat with the property owner. She offers more warmth and sun to dry my bathing suit and our “loose ties” exchange leads to the same topic about which I am writing. Her words resonate as she speaks about her deep love for India. She says in her lyrically accented English, “India leaves space for meditation, for not always running, running; for not always trying to achieve something”. As she measures our window for a mosquito net to bring us more coolness in the mid afternoon heat, she tells us that she came here from Italy more than 20 years ago. She came to follow a guru named Osho and find a place for her struggling spirit. To pause to just be for a while and find more joy in living.

The field

This reminds me of a concept that we picked up in our recent TV series streaming. Finding ourselves in a place with excellent wifi (which has been a rarity so far in our travels in India), Francis and I picked up where we left off with the new season of “Shrinking.” There is a scene in which Harrison Ford’s character, an aging therapist, is with a client in a session. He brings forward a concept of “The Field,” that sounds a lot like the concept of “The One that wants to know itself” that has recently been posited by Italian-American physicist, engineer and inventor Federico Faggin who speaks of consciousness as a quantum field. This field is heavily invested in the development and learning of each one of us in turn. It keeps drawing us to the same type of experiences until we learn the lesson that most needs learning.

The patient in “Shrinking” is sceptical at first, expressing his doubt at all this ‘woowoo’, but soon enough he must admit that he sees this process clearly repeating in his own life. He begrudgingly takes this as a sign that it is time to take a step forward, to face a challenge that he has been avoiding, so that he might move on to the next level in his personal evolution.

I can relate

I can relate to the patient here in his scepticism and his fear of pushing through. It is only through many years of therapy and personal inquiry that I have been able to move myself from where I was to where I want to be. I have come to understand that while the past events in my life have brought with them great loss and pain they have also brought great promise of a new way of giving and receiving. When the door abruptly closed on my former vocation, I was given the choice to spend my life in misery or let go of who I had believed myself to be. Again and again I find myself having to grapple with and let go of the ego’s definitions of who I am and what makes my life have meaning.

Embrace the beauty

Here I am alive and well and ready to embrace the beauty. To make the most of each and every day knowing full well that everything is always changing. I cannot, no matter how hard I try (and I can tell you that I tried very very hard for very very long) hold back the flow of time passing. I grow older each and every day and what was no longer is - nor will it ever be that way again.

Here and now is all we really have, the past is gone and the future is beyond our grasp so fleeting. No more “running, running.” Just being here and letting my body, mind and spirit come together in the meantime. Francis likens this process to being in connection with the depth of our consciousness; a profound sense of knowing ourselves and letting things come and go without expectation.

Floating

It is time to check on the dryness level of my purple and orange bikini top and the navy blue high waisted bottoms as I gather up my towel and hat and water and sunscreen and head out for some more swimming. My body floats upon the waves that at first glance seem so threatening, only to realize that their force is benign and they are there to move me from where I was to where I am going. A smile lifts up the corner of my lips and all thoughts of wanting more, drift away on the passing wave retreating.

Side by side

Francis and I are side by side for an early morning swim, laughing together each time a wave rises on its way to where we are floating. One or the other of us, or sometimes both of us in unison, exclaiming again and again, “We’re dead,” right before the wave passes by without causing any harm to either of us.

Here is another example of how our minds tell us there is harm on its way towards us, warning us to watch out, be careful, run away, do whatever it is we can to avoid it. Most of the time, in fact, we come to realize that the warning need not have been heeded. The waves continue to lift us up and gently lay us down again and again, five or so feet from where we first encountered its flow; a clear reminder to both of us of life’s constant changing.

Riding the waves

I almost missed this heavenly experience, having gotten some kind of negative picture in my head of Goa as a place full of drunken tourists on a perpetual bender. Now as we drive away under the shade of the mixed forest on both sides of the non stop curving highway, I feel Goa’s magical presence inside of me. It takes some effort to rejig our itinerary for a trip ending return to this beautiful spot; but we are tossing away our erroneous preconceptions and heeding the call of more time spent letting our bodies rise and fall as we ride one wave and then another.

May you find a way to move yourself from where you are to where you want to be. May you be at peace with your life exactly how it is and with yourself exactly as you are.

I am Sandra Butel and this is my beautywalk. What’s yours?

Resources for Further Study and Personal Growth

I am here with my never-ending search for beauty amongst the ugliness, my human heart and my Professional Coach Certification (PCC) from the International Coaching Federation to be of assistance to you in your own journey of finding your own place of equilibrium. I have over 500 hours of experience working with clients and am sure that the time we spend together will bring immense value to us both.

For a free consultation with me all you have to do is book yourself into my calendar. We will spend some time getting to know one another and by the end of the 75 minutes it will be clear if a coaching relationship with me is what is needed in your life right now. There is no pressure here to buy, simply an offer from someone who has been through a whole lot of challenges and come out the other side. A little stronger, a little more humble, a little more ready to lend an ear.

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