Letting go into the flow of the river

judgment mindfulness Joseph Goldstein Sandra Butel beautywalk coaching meditation visualization letting go — *Adventure bound* Photo by Sandra Butel

I am Sandra Butel and this is my beautywalk.

beautywalk is my search for truth and insight as I take in the sights and sounds of the world around me, choosing in some moments to hold people, places and ideas close to my heart and in others to let absolutely everything go.

It starts with a pause

I am on the second floor of a two story Hacienda in the village of Todos Santos, Mexico propped up with 2 lines of pillows. I have just opened my eyes after a guided meditation given by one of my writing group friends. I pause to reflect on the experience I have just had, taking a moment to let my eyes take in the late afternoon light and the view of the palm trees and the Pacific Ocean off in the distance. My fellow writer has just taken our group members on a visual journey, her mellifluous voice easing us in with just the right amount of instruction interspersed with moments of silence, calling us all into presence; to sensing into our bodies and our prospective breaths for a while. A soft smile forms in the corner of my lips, and I can feel my shoulders dropping and my breath slowing as I let myself get swept up in the promise of what both this 5 minute meditation and our weekly Wednesday evening writing session have to offer.

Open the door

There is a shift in the cadence of her speaking as she invites us to draw images and sounds and sensations onto the never quite blank canvas of the internal landscapes of our minds. “There is a door that appears out of nowhere.” A pause and then, “You open it and walk through the doorway into a forest filled with all of the colours of autumn.” I can see it so clearly; a red door with an antique brass doorknob, I turn my right hand to the right and step over the threshold into a forest scene full of the yellows and reds and faded greens of fall that I have been enjoying so much these past few weeks. There are so many varieties of trees in my new neighbourhood and each one has their own story to tell. What a joy it has been to this prairie girl to have so many more types of leaves to gaze upon; an awed sense of wonder opening up the periodic tightness in my chest.

Her voice is my guide as I, with my eyes softly closed and my heart softly open, make my way ever more deeply into the forest. There is a moment where my cheeks lift in a dimpled smile as it occurs to me that in my visualization I am moving with sweet fluidity, the tightness in my hips having been left on the other side of the door through which my imagination has taken me. I wonder for a moment if this is what it will be like post hip replacement surgery and then call my attention back to the gentle guidance of her words.

Letting go

I have always loved the sound of her voice and it is no surprise to me that she spent many years as a radio announcer. Rhythmic, smooth, enticing; this is a voice that softly urges me along on each new step on this imagined journey. “Now take a seat under a tree and imagine that you are ready to let go of something that is no longer serving you.” There is a specification that this thing could be a person or an aspect of our jobs or our lives, or maybe a feeling or some kind of way of being in the world. I, in my mind's eye, am seated on the mossy ground, my back and head being held with firm support by the rugged bark of a particularly splendid tree whose leaves are shading me in all their dying glory. It is not long before an idea appears fully formed inside my brain and I hear the word ‘judgment’ echoing within.

Judging mind

Judging mind is what the Buddhists call it. This is the ability of the mind to find fault with everyone and everything. This is the habit of our thoughts and can turn regular moments into moments of too much or too little; our very own Goldilocks who never finds the right level of comfort or sustenance to satisfy her cravings.

This concept is not a new one to me but it is of particular interest to me as I reflect upon my experiences over the last few days as my partner Francis and I made our way from Montreal to a pet sit with one small and two big dogs in the southern part of the Baja Peninsula. It came up in my daily practice of week two of a new course I am taking called Sacred Engagement developed by Betsy Westerndorf and David Kolb.

In the first few words of well loved teacher Joseph Goldstein in Wednesday morning’s meditation in the Happier app he said,

“One of the most common patterns of thought that arises in the mind are the different judgments that we have.”

He leaves a slight pause for a mindful breath and goes on,

“We all have judgments about almost everything. At one point, I was on a meditation retreat, going into the dining room and I noticed that my mind had a comment about almost everybody. I had a comment about how quickly people were moving or how slowly, how much food they were taking - too much or too little, what they were wearing - whether I liked it or didn’t like it. At a certain point in observing this constant stream of comments and judgments I saw how ridiculous it was.”

An unwelcome companion

Full body goosebumps as his words resonate with me and my recent experience as I left the comfort and familiarity of my day to day life in our two bedroom apartment in Verdun and headed out over the threshold of my comfort zone. Judgment has been a companion that joined me, uninvited I might add, on the first part of the journey as I spent the day in airports and on airplanes and in transit from one place to the other, eyeing up people’s clothing and behaviour, analyzing the sounds that were coming from their lips and finding fault with one and all. I found myself judging the hairstyles, tattoo placement, food choices, chosen scents, wardrobe and word choices, volume and presence of the strangers that were gathered, through no fault of their own, around me. I judged the temperature and breeziness of the room, the quality of the take off and landing, the quickness and wittiness and honesty of the responses of my partner Francis to whatever I flung in his direction. And through it all I watched and waited for the moment where I could judge myself the most harshly of all, no less, for having judged.

Feeding the judging mind

Joseph says it well,

“The two things that feed the judging mind are our belief in them. ‘Yes, this person really is like that’. ‘I really don’t like that’, and also, and as importantly, condemning the judging mind for having it. Having an aversion to it.”

This judgment is a habitual mindless practice of deciding something is not the way we want it to be, either that we are afraid to lose it, so we grab on extra tight or that we want nothing to do with it, so we push it away with all of our might. It is a way of us not being present and moving towards acceptance of the way things actually are.

As I found during my day of travel, this way of thinking and reacting to the world around us causes us a whole lot of pain and suffering. There I was, not having slept enough the previous two nights, moving away from the familiar, moving towards something I did not yet know and my judgment response was doing its best to keep me safe from the supposed harm that it predicted was coming my way. The more I resisted it and the more I judged myself for getting caught up in its enticing drama, the less comfortable and at ease I felt.

It’s raining

I remember a gif I saw yesterday of a rain cloud full of rain. On one side there are a string of negative comments like, ‘I don’t like rain. This is going to ruin my day. I wish it would go away. This is the worst possible time for rain to be falling, while on the other side is, ‘It’s raining and the single word Yup.’

How succinctly this outlines the concept of being with what is, without judgment, without clinging, without needing it to be any other way than the way that it is.

Joseph continues,

“As we go throughout our day if we are noticing the judging mind, the commenting mind, we can simply be aware that it has arisen, make a soft mental note, ‘judging, judging’ without identifying with it, without condemning it and simply letting the thought arise and pass away. In this way we are weakening the pattern of judging in our minds.”

Letting go, continued

Back to my seat beneath the comfort and shade of a beautiful tree, I stand up slowly and carefully and follow Val’s voice as it guides us to a softly padded bench beside a fast flowing river, its sound tickling the inside of my ear as I picture it so clearly in my minds eye and ear. I pull out my judgment from the bag that I have slung messenger style over my body from left to right and place it gently but firmly into the middle of the stream beneath me. I sit back and watch it float away from me the j and the u and the d getting progressively smaller as the tale of the t bobs up and down on the motion of the water below.

The meaning I have attached to my judgments, believing in the midst of my fatigue and upset of routine that they were telling me something true is gone now, flowing ever more swiftly away from me. A giggle escapes my lips as I think that it looks like my judgment is having fun on its current ride. I sure am feeling better now that I have identified the burden that I am no longer willing to carry with me wherever I go.

I sit a while in this place, just me and the sensations that are rising and falling, my thoughts calmer now that I have unhooked from the belief that these negative thoughts that arise and fall away in the moment are a part of who I truly am.

I am ready for the next time they come and visit me. Ready to pause and notice them, softly noting their presence and letting them float further and further away from where I am.

This is Sandra Butel and this is my beautywalk. What’s yours?

What kinds of judgments do you notice in your own mind?

If you were to count the number of times your mind fills with these types of negative comments how big would the number be?

What are you ready to let go of; to place with care and loving attention onto the never ending flow of the water towards the deep blue and teeming life of the sea?

Resources for Further Study and Personal Growth

If you are interested in learning more about meditation check out the Happier meditation app for a free trial.
I am here with my never-ending search for truth, my human heart and my Professional Coach Certification (PCC) from the International Coaching Federation to be of assistance to you in your own journey of finding your own place of equilibrium. I have over 500 hours of experience working with clients and am sure that the time we spend together will bring immense value to us both.

For a free consultation with me all you have to do is book yourself into my calendar. We will spend some time getting to know one another and by the end of the 75 minutes it will be clear if a coaching relationship with me is what is needed in your life right now. There is no pressure here to buy, simply an offer from someone who has been through a whole lot of challenges and come out the other side. A little stronger, a little more humble, a little more ready to lend an ear.

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