One step forward …
One step forward … Photo by Sandra Butel
I am Sandra Butel and this is my beautywalk.
beautywalk is my scramble of two steps forward and one step back as I move ever closer to the complex truth of who I am: a human being full of contradictions just trying to make sense of the world.
Just what the doctor ordered
The old adage comes to me as I sit down to write the next segment of my “complete hip replacement surgery saga”. I’m now feeling ready to take the required steps that will move me towards a transformative experience from regular every day limping me, to the Bionic Woman* version of me.
A picture starts to form of what my post surgery future has in store for me. Toilet seat with arms, sock puller, grabber, high chair, walker, cane, tub side riser, ice packs and elasticized shoe laces are amongst the items that I make a note of needing to purchase (after I figure out just exactly what they are and where they can be found).
Just a human in a body
I have been busy doing research and reaching out to colleagues and friends who have had the same procedure. It is with a sense of not being so alone that I have engaged in a process of learning more about the kinds of tools and techniques that will be useful for what is coming. It has warmed my heart to hear the words, “life changing” and “best thing I ever did - should have done it sooner,” from both people that I know well and from perfect strangers. I’m beginning to realize that my journey is just a part of being a human in a body and this is bringing more ease and acceptance.
Fight, flight, freeze
And then, I get a call from Saint Mary’s hospital. My nervous system switches into full fight, flight, or freeze mode; my brain frantically scanning for a reason that someone from the hospital would be calling me, just. when I had accepted that this would all be for the best. Bristling with resistance, I accept the call, croaking out a lightly accented, “Allô,” through the tight clenching overtaking my teeth and jaw. “What now?” My defence systems kicking in, ready to react with the full force of their thunder should the need arise. Well, let’s face it they are already way down the road to some kind of worse case scenario even before I push the accept button and say hello. “This is Dr. Morin from the pre-op clinic at Saint Mary’s,” the slightly accented voice rings out into the empty room. After confirming my preference of English over French for these kinds of complicated health related things, she continues, “I am calling about your recent blood test results.”
Putting the pieces together Photo by Sandra Butel
Out of balance
It turns out my numbers have gone a little wonky and the hypothyroid condition I have been treating for the last many years has shifted over into hyperthyroidism. The Dr. is concerned about how a suppressed thyroid will impact my state of mind and body both during and after the surgical procedure. There is an audible swallow on both sides of the line and she adds, “I am not sure what to recommend. I am retiring in two weeks and don’t want to leave you hanging.” Once again here is a woman who is willing to go the extra mile to do what she can to help.
Long story short there is some concern that I will not be ready for surgery, my thyroid being out of balance, my ongoing treatment plan for my Hashimoto’s Disease having pushed this butterfly shaped gland from hypothyroidism to hyperthyroidism. The Dr. explains that she is eager to get my medications stabilized so that my thyroid function will not be seen as a factor in adverse post operative outcomes and become a reason to cancel the surgery itself.
I find myself faced with the reality that changes need to be made to my treatment protocol and since the doctors in Quebec are not familiar (or open to) the treatment I have been using (of NDT - natural desiccated thyroid) I am going to have to do a pretty speedy medication switcheroo. As the doctor explains, getting me on Synthroid, the synthetic version of NDT, will also make it easier for my eventual shift to a new primary care doctor. It is the best win-win scenario she can come up with given the time crunch; there being only three weeks until my surgery and two weeks until her first official day of retirement. A prescription is now waiting for me at the clinic for pickup and a blood test is scheduled for three days before the proposed surgery date.
Start(s) making sense
Some things are starting to make sense to me. Random symptoms that have been coming up for me over the last few weeks since our return from our two month trip to India. A quick google search confirms the possibility that my increased anxiety, itchy scalp, frequent sweating and vertigo might well be a result of this move into hyperthyroidism. A chat with Francis brings a sigh of relief for him as he says, “Oh that makes so much sense. I knew something big was up - you have not been yourself lately.” I had chalked it up to a travel comedown, that familiar sense of life feeling much less full of colour and excitement upon returning home from a trip, but this explanation makes a lot more sense.
A gradual realization is opening up in me that maybe there is more going on here and maybe the surgery is going to bring more benefits to my health than just being able to move my hip more freely.
I cancel a catch up call that I had scheduled with a friend, get myself down the winding staircase to a bus that takes me to a metro which takes me to another bus that lets me out on the backside of St. Mary’s hospital. I stop to ask directions and make my way to the pre-op department to pick up my prescription and chat a bit with the receptionist with the kind and empathetic eyes peeking out from behind her disposable mask. I call an Uber to take me home in comfort and to ensure I arrive just in time to change my clothes and meet a friend to walk the ten minutes to Liv Yoga on Wellington Street for an afternoon yoga class. Our post-yoga bodies are warm as we walk and talk with a little more ease towards the pharmacy.
The pharmacist is visibly nervous about filling my prescription so it takes ninety minutes and some convincing and research on her part, before she agrees to hand over the small bottle containing my first 30 days of the new thyroid hormone. I am feeling pretty shaky by this time - with the switch in medication, the potential for my surgery to be delayed (or cancelled if we can’t get my thyroid back in balance) and with all the thoughts of what comes after in terms of my autoimmune disorder treatment. It is not lost on me that this increase in anxiety and non stop thinking is one of the adverse effects of a thyroid that is in an overactive state. And yet, there is a bit of relief in knowing that there is something deeper going on.
For the past many years I have been following the treatment protocol that was put together by my then Regina based naturopath and a Saskatoon based functional medicine specialist and their combined knowledge of both western and alternative medicine and their empathetic way of explaining my health to me was a great blessing to both my physical and mental health. Together we had made the decision to try a more natural approach to my thyroid in its struggles and the treatment had been very successful in keeping my Hashimoto’s condition in balance up to now.
I have known for some time that my colouring outside of the lines of the standard medical system will not necessarily be tolerated now that I am living in a new province with its own set of protocols and procedures. It is one of the reasons that I have put off getting myself to the clinic to find a doctor to monitor my thyroid hormone levels. It is one of the reasons that I got a year’s supply of NDT before I left Saskatchewan and why I have been watching the decrease in the number of pills in the bottle with an increasing sense of alarm and agitation. Best laid plans aside, I now recognize that the time to move on to a new treatment plan has arrived. This is not at all how I have planned it but hanging on to the old way of treating my condition is causing harm to my body and mind. It seems that this is to be part of the new version of me that is forming each and every moment.
A quick search online for the symptoms of a hyperactive thyroid reads like a who’s who of emotional instability. Anxiety and restlessness, brain fog, rapid shifts in emotion, low mood and a general feeling of exhaustion. I am going to have to pull out each one of the tools and techniques in my mental health tool kit if I am going to make my way relatively unscathed through the next few weeks,as thyroid hormones take 3 to 4 weeks before seeing any kind of relief of symptoms.
There is no time like the present to remind myself of the basics of self-care protocols that have been known to make me feel better.
beautywalk Top Tips
So here it is, my beautywalk Top 18 things to do to make you feel better when your mind is reeling:
#1 - Meditation
I set my mind to a daily practice of at least 20 minutes using a new app that I like called Happier Meditation. I am enjoying a series of sessions with Lama Tasha of the Mind Bod Adventure Pod podcast with Jeff Warren. I also make my way across town on a Tuesday night to True North / Voie Boréale’s in person Francophone Sangha led by the inspirational teacher, Pascal Auclair. This has the added benefit of #4 as does the Thursday morning meditation gathering au Centre des femmes de Verdun.
#2 - Journalling / Morning Pages
Next up is my time for putting words to my experiences in the old fashioned way of favourite pen flowing on lined journal paper. My goal is to do 4 pages a day while looking out at the light of the day outside my window. This practice, popularized by Julia Cameron in The Artist’s Way has been well proven to leave me feeling lighter and more ready to face the day.
#3 - Yoga
This one has become a solid habit that I have been practicing on a daily basis (except for the two months in India which passed with only 3 days of finding my way to my mat). It is time to get back to it and I do so with my favourite teachers, IRL at my local yoga studio, Liv Yoga. I throw in a bit of Pilates into the mix as well which is useful both as surgery prep as well as a mood enhancer. I could write a whole book on the gift that yoga has been to my life and am thankful everyday that my friend Sue brought me kicking and screaming to its offering of union and connection.
#4 - Connection with other humans
This one is about literally getting out there and interacting with other humans. It pulls on the idea of the power of the “weak ties” in our lives. For me this means going for a walk or to the store or the yoga studio and smiling and saying hello to everyone I pass, whether or not we have ever met. I make the assumption that we are all human beings with strengths and weaknesses wrapped up in our daily struggles to find balance and meaning. This practice serves to make the world seem like a much more friendly place as usually when I smile at others they tend to smile back. This practice was especially productive in our recent travels to India. I have never seen people so quick to respond to any gesture of connection and I spent a whole lot of time taking selfies with strangers. It uplifted my heart every time.
#5 - Music
I remember how much music lifts my spirits and I spend many hours singing along to my old favourites. There are lots of tears coursing down my face as I belt out another chorus. Songwriters always seem to be able to put our human suffering into words and listening to their masterpieces often manages to ease whatever it is that ails me. There are too many good ones to list here but two of my favourites that bring the snot out while I am singing them are, Fleetwood Mac’s “Landslide,” (the Baby Rose edition) and the Weaves cover of The Beatles song “Help”.
#6 - Hot bubble baths
This one has been a longtime favourite. Lighting a few candles, including my favourite maple syrup scented one, laying back into the warmth of the water and the playfulness of the bubbles brings a sense of comfort like a hug from a loving mother. Best when combined with #13 and without a phone.
Finding the beauty ... Photo by Sandra Butel
beautywalk Top Tips cont
#7 - Plug phone and laptop in the other room
Oh goodness this is a game changer for me every time. I started to pay attention to how much better I feel when I give myself a break from scrolling social media or watching shows and playing games on my phone (simultaneously). I have decided that this habit is one that I have to avoid when my mental health is feeling shaky. This one is exceptionally hard for me to follow through on, so I am adding it here for public accountability.
#8 - Present moment awareness
This is linked to #1 and #7 above and is all about focusing on what I am doing while I am doing it. It is about leaning into whichever of my senses is being stimulated and doing my best to just be with the experience without judgment.
#9 - One step at a time
By breaking tasks down into bite sized chunks I am able to tackle the overwhelm of the mess that keeps wanting to accumulate around me. Each little task completed brings me such a sense of accomplishment - a little boost in mood during a burst of sadness and it gives me a focus for the moment to moment sensations. The wetness of the water on my hands and the contact with the dishes as they go from dirty to clean in a matter of minutes, the warmth of the clothes as I take them out of the dryer.
#10 - Go outside
This can be combined with moving my body for an even more impactful effect but time spent outside, especially in nature is one sure way I can take myself from anxious to at ease. Adding in time with a friend for quality conversation has the added benefit of a possible change in perspective. Getting sunlight is also a big factor in ensuring #15 as we need a certain amount of light to ensure melatonin production at the time of day when we most need it (or at least that is what the sleep experts say).
#11 - Vulnerability
This involves sharing with others the stuff that is going on with me that is not all nice and rosy. It can be in the form of posting a blog about my upcoming hip surgery, admitting I am afraid and asking for others to share their experiences. It can also mean calling a friend or fellow coach in tears to tell them that I am feeling lonely or shooting off a text to my partner to ask him to check in on me more often. I recently read something that said that the reason that some of us have trouble making friends is that we keep everything pleasant and perfect, not willing to get down and dirty in sharing our imperfections and vulnerability.
#12 - “Backwards gap” your life
This is my take on the concept of the “Reverse Gap” that has been popularized by both coach Dan Sullivan and psychologist Benjamin Hardy and means looking back at my past challenges to realize how far I have come. This helps me to see that I am always growing and changing and that I am more than capable of surviving the current circumstances that have come to disturb the waters in which I am floating.
Buy yourself flowers … Photo by Sandra Butel
beautywalk Top Tips cont
#13 - Reading
Ah the power of words written by other humans to shift the energy in which I am sinking. This for me takes the form of self-help books, memoirs or novels that help me to put aside my story for that of another. I recently enjoyed “Two White Queens and the One Eyed Jack,” by Heidi Von Palleske and the 2025 memoir, “Mother Mary Comes to Me,” by Arundhati Roy.
#14 - Cooking
Focusing my attention on making some yummy food can sometimes be a way to shift my energy from that of blue to golden. Better yet if I can cook for someone I love so we can enjoy a meal together. I do my best to focus on the sensations of the tasks as I do them, letting the smells and sounds and textures keep me present with what I am doing. I also really like sending leftovers home with my son as it leaves me feeling connected to my Mom and my Mom’s Mom and all the generations of food pushers before them.
#15 - Sleep
I make it my mission to do whatever it takes to ensure I get a good night’s rest. There are so many distractions that can throw me off but I know that without a doubt a good night’s sleep is essential. Last night I even opened the window a crack to cool the room down some more. It was glorious.
#16 - Be there for others to truly listen
Being a coach is of such a benefit to my life and every session with clients leaves me feeling more connected as I rejoice in how we both grow and learn together. The more I learn and practice active listening (see the course called Sacred Engagement for some incredible practice) the more I shift my focus from putting my faith in my own internal negative storytelling to connecting with the deeper insight of a more universal human experience.
#17 - Gratitude
I almost forgot this one and as I write this the list of the things I have to be grateful for just keeps growing. Taking the time at the end of the day for 60 to 180 seconds of speaking my gratitude out loud or writing it down brings me an enormous sense of wellbeing that leads to much better dreams than the many other bad habits that I have been doing my best to keep avoiding.
#18 - Find the beauty
Find the beauty AND bring it home with you. I pack myself up in my bright green puffy jacket, pull on one glove and then the other before I put on my hat, the one with the jaunty wings, and head off into a new neighbourhood for a much anticipated lunch date. I plan to arrive early for the express purpose of stopping at the flower shop that my son was eager to share with me; the one with the lovely cut flowers of every scent and form and shade. I pick one flower and then two, relying on the saleswoman's expertise for what goes well with what and what will make the bouquet pop. I shake my head no to some and nod an enthusiastic yes to others, the addition and subtraction equalling a collection of blossoms to brighten my days. (See photo above)
Magical Minutiae
The list kind of got away from me and what started as the top ten kept rising before I made the decision that #18 is as good a place to stop as any. I think about all of these as ways of focusing my energy and attention on the magical minutiae of my everyday life. No big fancy goals, no striving for success, just some simple ways I can be kind to myself while my body and mind go through some shit. I feel a lot better after having written all this down. I can feel the muscles around my jaw and my heart loosen as I imagine who else might benefit from my list making as I count my blessings one by one.
This is Sandra Butel and this is my beautywalk. What’s yours?
What kind of practices help you rebalance yourself when things get tough?
What insights and truths about the human experience have brought you up when you are feeling down?
Which of the 18 suggestions above are your go-tos?
What did I miss that deserves to be added for Part 2?
Who I am, wrinkles and all Photo Sandra Butel
Resources for Further Study and Personal Growth
*In case you missed it - The Bionic Woman is a 1970s Sci-Fi TV show that was a spinoff of the Six Million Dollar Man starring Lindsay Wagner as Jaime Summers, whose body was rebuilt using the latest in technology after she was badly injured in a skydiving accident. She ended up having two legs, one arm and an ear rebuilt with bionic prostheses that left her just a little bit superhuman. I figured I would add this in for all those who don’t get the reference.
There are links throughout this piece if any of the practices spur your interest and you want to know more.
If you too are struggling with nomophobia (addiction to your smart phone) I would highly recommend reading and following along with the 30 day detox plan outlined in Catherine Price’s “How To Break Up With Your Phone”.
I am here with my never-ending search for truth, my human heart and my Professional Coach Certification (PCC) from the International Coaching Federation to be of assistance to you in your own journey of finding your own place of equilibrium. I have over 500 hours of experience working with clients and am sure that the time we spend together will bring immense value to us both.
For a free consultation with me all you have to do is book yourself into my calendar. We will spend some time getting to know one another and by the end of the 75 minutes it will be clear if a coaching relationship with me is what is needed in your life right now. There is no pressure here to buy, simply an offer from someone who has been through a whole lot of challenges and come out the other side. A little stronger, a little more humble, a little more ready to lend an ear.
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