Balancing act
Having a great fall Photo by Sandra Butel
I am Sandra Butel and this is my beautywalk.
My beautywalk is my human search for equilibrium. I breathe into activation with the Sympathetic Nervous System and breathe out into rest with the Parasympathetic. This is the way it is and the way it will always be, back and forth, in and out, as long as we both shall live.
A sweet little song
It is an unseasonably warm October day and I am perched against the head board of our king sized bed, my gaze drawn back and forth between the words appearing on my laptop screen and the sun dappled yellowy green of the leaves that makes their presence known outside our apartment’s wide open windows. A small bird tweets its little song to my left as my life partner tweets his sweet little song on his mandolin in the other room to my right.
How blessed I am to have the space and time to reflect; the magic flow of my words coming forward the moment I place my fingers back, once again, on the home keys.
A lot going on
There has been a lot going on in my life these days. I have had many visits with many lovely people, including the first in person meeting with eight other members of my weekly writing group, Unstrayed, who got on planes and trains and automobiles and made their way towards me here, in my new city of Montreal. There was a hastily arranged pet sit with two cats, designed to have me rest my head in a cozy bed much closer to where our writing group was enjoying our precious time together. Each night I got on my trusty red and white retro cruiser and made my way along the cycle path to my borrowed home for some quality time on my own. I did not end up getting much sleep while I was there - too buzzing from all the excitement and the food and drink I had added to my regular habits. I lay wide awake in the comfort of a brand new bed, my brain reviewing all the details of the hours that had passed before I got back on my bicycle and pumped my legs round and round for the 7 minutes it took to get back to where my friends were staying.
There was the much anticipated appointment with the orthopaedic surgeon that came while I was trying to catch up on the sleep I missed while laughing, smiling, talking, crying, walking, exclaiming and/or listening to what the other writers had to share. When the receptionist asked me if I could make an appointment the next morning at 9 am, it was an offer I could not refuse, having spent the last seven weeks waiting for the call. What a surprise it was when the surgeon, late as he was as he had gone to the wrong clinic first, said I could get my hip replacement surgery in four to six months and not the two years I had been expecting. This threw me into a tizzy of indecision, fear having its way with me once again.
There was a wonderful catch up with a dear friend from my Regina days, along with her husband and their 9 year old daughter, complete with collage time, many questions answered and a whole lot of delight of the world seen through a child’s eyes. Before they arrived, there was the meal prep for 24 hours, which had me turning the food stained pages of my favourite Thai recipe book so I could marinate the chicken skewers and tofu that we would dip with much glee in the delectable peanut sauce that was more the star than the side show.
In real life … Photo by Sandra Butel
Out of balance
With all this activity, my regular scheduled programming was thrown out the window. No Thursday morning meditation, no Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction Course and my run streak of daily yoga and memoir writing were put aside for the immediacy of what would not come my way again (or at least not for a very long time). I opened up my arms and gathered up all the moments of wonder and hope that were offered to me then.
When all is said and done I find myself out of balance; tired and looking for solitude and quiet and somewhere I can be on my own. A sense of confusion comes with this as I ponder how I could have managed my energy with more wisdom.
What could I have done differently?
How could I have ensured that I did not lose my equilibrium so completely?
The shoulds
There is a lot of judgment and blame going on and the voice inside my head is sure that I am no longer cut out for large social gatherings and tut tuts with pursed lips that I have overdone it once again. There is a familiar sense of “too muchness” and a whole lot of guilt that I have let myself get so out of control once more. All my habits have been neglected. There are a lot of thoughts of “shoulds”, as in,”I should have done this or should not have done (or eaten or drunk or said) that”. Self doubt comes running with its ear worm of “Will I ever be able to get myself back on track again?”
This is the moment when my negative habits from the past come knocking. “Hey, Sandra, we’re here, we have the answer, just watch some shows and while you are at it why not play some solitaire on your phone?” When I shake my head no, they come back with, “You know you want to. You know you deserve it. You are tired, you did a lot the last few days and this is the way you rest. We got you, girl. Come on. Just one episode.” 4 hours later and I have consumed a whole season of a rather clever Canadian series called “Wayward”. I am not feeling so great, my eyes are having trouble focusing and I have not succeeded in getting the rest I so sorely need.
Sense of imbalance
Flash-forward a few days later and I am on a zoom call with a coaching client. It is the second one of the day and I am noticing that both clients are focusing on the sense of imbalance that they are currently experiencing in their lives. One of them notes that over the past 3 weeks everything had been rolling along nicely at work and at home when suddenly a few unplanned events came along to throw everything out of whack. While the words that are used are quite different and the details of what has thrown their equilibrium off is not at all the same, it is clear to me in listening to their stories, that we all get off track from time to time. I reassure both of them (and myself) that we are not alone in this search for balance and that this is just part of being human and not some lack in us.
What is this imbalance all about?
What is going on that I keep finding myself here?
These are questions that come up again and again for me and for my clients and one that I have dedicated a lot of time and energy to answering, either on my own or in partnership with my clients. The answers are different for each one of us, but with today’s blog, the focus is not so much about fixing this imbalance, but understanding its nature.
The social fabric ... Photo by Sandra Butel
Buddha’s brain
The next day, I am seated in the back seat of my brother-in-law's wine red SUV on our way to a concert in a small town north of Montreal. I am reading Rick Hanson’s “Buddha’s Brain” on my phone. It’s all about how the brain/mind works and contains recommendations for what we can do to have a little more choice in where we spend our thinking time. In the part I scan while Francis and his brother catch up in the front seat I am intrigued by the author’s words about equilibrium and how the human body and mind is constantly engaged in a process of establishing and re-establishing equilibrium.
“For you to stay healthy, each system in our body and mind must balance two conflicting needs. On the one hand, it must remain open to inputs during ongoing transactions with its local environment: closed systems are dead systems. On the other hand, each system must also preserve a fundamental stability, staying centred around a good set point and within certain ranges - not too hot, not too cold.”
Dr. Rick Hanson
It occurs to me then that we are engaged in a perpetual Goldilocks’ search in our lives; bringing ourselves from too hot and too cold and then, back to our set-point of “just right” over and over again. When we are out of balance our brain sends signals to our bodies to get ourselves back into balance before it is too late. The pull of these signals ranges in tone from mild to strong and most times its strength has nothing to do with the real urgency of what our brain thinks may be coming to do us harm.
In Dr. Hanson’s words:
“These consciously experienced signals are unpleasant, in part because they carry a sense of threat - a call to restore equilibrium before things slide too far too fast down the slippery slope. The call may come softly, with a sense of unease, or loudly, with alarm, even panic. However it comes, it mobilizes your brain to do whatever it takes to get you back in balance.”
Then I read the words that hit me so strongly a sigh escapes my lips.
“Since the world is always changing, there are endless disturbances in the equilibria of your body, mind and relationships.”
Dr. Rick Hanson
Yes, that is what is going on here. For me, for my clients, and likely for all of you reading this now. The world is always changing and there are always things coming towards us, whether pleasant, unpleasant or neutral, at such speed and frequency that we find ourselves losing our balance over and over again.
Putting our heads together … Photo by Sandra Butel
Practice
I think here for a moment of my yoga practice and how much time we spend standing on one leg, developing not just the strength of our muscles, but also our ability to find a new centre of gravity and to be at ease with our falling out of this one legged balance again and again, without judgment or a desire to do it better or differently somehow.
We just draw up one leg, focus our eyes at an unmoving point in front of us and we let ourselves just be with the experience of wobbling as our foot makes the tiniest of adjustments in our efforts to stay upright as long and as full of ease as we can. I can hear the soft intensity of one of my beloved yoga teachers Elody Hafner’s voice as she reminds us, “This is difficult and might even be painful, but it won’t kill you. You can do this. Focus on your breath, just two more breaths, in and out.”
Then it is time to play. Elody instructs us to “Steady your focus on the left leg, knee slightly bent, and notice the sensations. When you are ready let the right leg go wild trying to throw the left off balance.” Smiles all around as the child inside each of us gets into the challenge. How ridiculous it is to be flailing about like Seinfeld’s “Elaine” dancers, Elody’s example encouraging us along.
Being human
So here we are, all of us humans, engaged in a never ending process of getting back to centre. This is not some fault of our genes, it is just a part of being a human in a body with a brain. We lose our balance, and discomfort comes calling and we return to the practices that lead us back home. There is no end in sight; no ‘just right’, there are just our continued efforts to bring ourselves back into equilibrium again and again. We are not doing something wrong, this is how we were designed by millennia of natural selection. We are doing exactly what we were built to do, and we are doing it exactly the way we were meant to be doing it too.
I take a deep breath, my nervous system settling just a little bit more as it always does after I have written. I remind myself that I too am a human engaged in the practice of bringing myself back into balance again and again. There is a sense of relief as I understand in a deeply embodied way that this is just what it is and that this is what I will be engaged in every day of my life, forever and ever amen. I will never find that place of absolute final balance, but will continue to bring myself back to the place where I feel most at ease; most at home. I will take a breath, focus my attention and practice putting myself into a state of off kilter, imperfect balance once again. As I work to steady myself in the unsteadiness I will remind myself that off balance is just the way it is right now and that soon enough I will find myself with two feet planted firmly on the floor once again.
I am Sandra Butel and this is my beautywalk. What’s yours?
On my way home Photo Sandra Butel
Resources for Further Study and Personal Growth
If you are from the Verdun area and are looking for some great yoga practice, with benefits both on and off the mat, check out Liv Yoga. Teachers like Elody Hafner will help you to find your inner balance and accept the imbalance as well.
There are so many books written by smart and loving people like Dr. Rick Hanson that have been such a blessing to me on my own journey. Check out Buddha’s Brain for many tips on how to get yourself back in balance.
I am here with my never-ending search for equilibrium, my human heart and my brand new Professional Coach Certification (PCC) from the International Coaching Federation to be of assistance to you in your own journey of finding your own place of equilibrium. I have over 500 hours of experience working with clients and am sure that the time we spend together will bring immense value to us both.
For a free consultation with me all you have to do is book yourself into my calendar. We will spend some time getting to know one another and by the end of the 75 minutes it will be clear if a coaching relationship with me is what is needed in your life right now. There is no pressure here to buy, simply an offer from someone who has been through a whole lot of challenges and come out the other side. A little stronger, a little more humble, a little more ready to lend an ear.
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