What becomes clearer

flowers beautywalk Sandra Butel coaching Byron Katie The Work worry positivity truth — *As far as the eye can see* Photo by Sandra Butel

I am Sandra Butel and this is my beautywalk.

beautywalk is my commitment to finding beauty in the world no matter what.

Goodbye June

The last day of June is coming up in a little more than 12 hours and I am taking some time to reflect on what the last couple weeks have made clearer to me. I am seated in a corner seat in a plant filled cafe in my new neighborhood, taking in the energy of the people gathered here around me.

I am pulled back to another gathering that happened so many years ago. My University bestie’s new boyfriend (who became her husband), smiled his open smile and asked, “What has become clearer since we last spoke?” I found this query so much more approachable than the typical, “How are you?” that the rest of us were extending limply in a misguided effort to feel less freaky and alone. Any type of answer to this sleepwalked attempt served to be wholly unsatisfactory and I got the sense that no one was really listening to the answer anyways. So my replies of “Great. How are you?” Or “Hungover, how about you?”were met with much less connection than I desired; starving as I was in my first year university awkwardness for belonging somewhere for reals this time.

This blog is my attempt to answer in as much clarity as I can, given the mish mash machinations of the human brain, “What has become clearer since we last spoke?”

What is clear to me now

Being human is hard. It is not for the faint of heart. It is full of ups and downs and pains and joys that shift and fade and explode sometimes without warning.

Our brains are trying to keep us safe but the safety they seek only serves to make us feel even more under siege and alone. Isolated inside our own personal torture chamber minds we worry about what will come next. This worrying does nothing to assuage our unease and in fact is a big part of what is making us feel so lost and alone.

Does worrying help?

I remember many years ago asking my Mom, who spent all but the last few years of her life twisted up in worry about this or that or the other, “Do you think your worrying is helping?” At first she replied, “Of course. If I worry about it then it won’t happen.” I pushed back a bit, saying, “Are you sure that the time you spend worrying about things actually contributes to those things going away from whence they came?” She admitted, albeit with some resistance, that she was not at all sure that her worrying made any bit of difference at all. If I could speak to her now I would continue the conversation using my new skills as a coach and ask her, “How does your worrying make you feel?” I would pause to listen carefully to her response, nodding my head in silent agreement and letting my calm presence make her feel fully seen and heard just as she was. I would then pose the clarifying question of “Who would you be without the worry?”

THE WORK

This whole process is outlined in much clarity in “The Work” of Byron Katie. Katie, who herself suffered greatly from doubt and depression, offers up a 4 step process that can help us when we are feeling worried or down. “The Work” starts with identifying what thoughts we are having that are making us feel so blue. We then pass through a series of windows, probing questions written in the dust that has accumulated there, until we see with more clarity what has always been there, so bright and clear.

Steps of The Work

Question 1: Is it true?
Question 2: Can you absolutely know it is true?
Question 3: Who are you when you believe this is true?
Question 4: Who would you be if you didn’t believe this thought anymore?
The Turnaround: Take the offending statement and turn it around in as many ways as you can imagine.

Show don’t tell

Let’s walk through this process together using my own personal experience of the last few weeks.

”Should-ing” myself

I have been feeling a low level of anxiety; that sense that something isn’t quite right in my world. I have been putting a lot of pressure on myself that I “should” be doing or not doing this or that or “should” be feeling or not feeling that or this in turn.

I have also been experiencing a periodic sense of overwhelm, being pulled in by the curse that the Buddha called, “Being born in an interesting time.” There is so much going on around me, in my city, in my country, in the world all around me. Messages are coming from every which direction, predictions of upcoming destruction, offers of the “way” to move ahead in writing a book or building a coaching business or having the perfect body or following the right diet for the longest life possible. There is an unending flow of righteous indignation for whatever the latest scandal has become and limitless appeals for us to care more, give more, be smarter about how we spend our time. It is all on full speed, 24-7 and it takes a monumental effort to not get pulled into its rhythm.

Are you feeling it too?

We can refresh our phone or laptop screens all day long and we will never, ever, ever run out of things that measure, judge or shame us into being better or different than we already are. We will never run out of distraction or disturbing images or ideas that push us into our ongoing quintessentially human “fight, flight or freeze” reactions.

The Thought

The thought that is causing me the most pain is, “I am failing at my life.”

Let’s submit this particular disturbing thought to Katie’s “The Work” process and see what happens to its power.

#1 - Is it True?

I have the sense it is true and the idea that I should be doing more and doing it more efficiently has its grip on me, pulling and tugging with all its might in the middle of my chest. My first answer comes out as yes and my heart drops like a stone, spraying muck and slime all around the fragile human space within.

#2 - Can you absolutely know it is true?

I find it a little more difficult to just blindly answer yes to the query in its current configuration. Absolutely know it is true? That would mean I would have to have some clear sense of what the ultimate measure of success or failure happens to be. Given that there are many different ways of living a human life and given that the classic definition of ego based success has long stopped being the focus of my life, I have to, somewhat reluctantly (but with a spark of hope all the same), answer No to this question. I cannot absolutely know that it is true that I am failing at my life.

What is success?

Question # 2 leads me to take some time with one of my coaching colleagues to investigate what success and failure really mean to me now that I have freed myself from much of what drove me to overwork in my previous life. The people pleasing, the need to make a living, the sense that I had to prove to others that as a woman I was as capable as any man; all of this has for the most part been left behind as I make my way from my previous life and loss to where I am living more fully now in the truth of who I am.

I take some time to make up an outline for tracking my daily hours. It comes to me as I am 3/4 of the way through our coaching session, that I need to think of what I am doing with my life as being my new “job” or vocation. An axiom that comes from my PQ coaching business development courses, “What gets measured gets managed,” leads the way in my thinking here. I reason that if I identify and then track the things that are meaningful to me then these things will be at the forefront of my mind. When the distractions come, as they of course will, I will have more ability to ask if they fit into my vision for my one precious life. If the answer is no then I will have more power to let them just flow on by, not pulling me into their promise of one more burst of dopamine.

As an avid puzzler, I pick a puzzling metaphor for the building of my purpose filled life, each one of the 4 identified areas acting as the 4 corners of the puzzle that is my life. Self-care, coaching, writing, and relationships are the most important areas of my life on which to focus my time and attention. I expand the puzzling metaphor more fully by making each of these priority areas into its own 4 cornered collection of pieces whose numbers will hold them together when the winds of societal dis-ease start to blow.

Sixteen titled squares are spread across the top of the spreadsheet that I entitle, “This is my life.” The days of the months line up one under the other from 1 to 28 or 30 or 31 and I begin to track how many hours of my day are being spent at each.

How can I know if I am failing in my life if I have not done the work to identify what my own unique definition of success has become?

How can I measure my success without an ongoing quantification of the time that is being spent on each of my priority areas already?

How can I know where I need to shift my focus if I don’t know where my energy is actually being expended day by day?

Measuring and Managing

I feel so much better once I have this spreadsheet, which looks very much like the one I used for the 21 years of my work at the Regina Folk Festival. I am back into the daily, oddly satisfying work of tracking the progress I am making as I move toward what I most want in my life. As the numbers add up day after day I can no longer hold onto the idea that I am not doing enough. Each time I add a number in a column serves as an act of recognition and celebration for all the pieces that I am fitting in one after the other into the never ending jigsaw that is my life.

Back to (the) Work

Let’s continue with Katie’s questions and see the type of power of transformation this type of inquiry can have for even the most painful of thoughts.

#3 - Who am I when I believe that I am failing at my life?

I am small and shrunken chested, with a tight jaw and deep frown lines just above my finger grimed glasses. I am alone and imperfect and unworthy of human love and connection. In brief, I am fucking miserable.

#4 - Who would I be if I didn’t believe this thought anymore?

I would be sunny and full of light; a woman at the height of her spiritual and emotional growth and understanding. I would be open and free and able to share all the beauty of the world with others who need it as much as I do. In short, I would be more fully me.

The Turnaround

There are a few ways to do this. “I am not failing at my life” is the most obvious. And then the more thought provoking, “My life is not failing me.” Or the positive version of both of these turnarounds, as in, “I am thriving in my life” and the esoteric and deeply resonant to me, “My life is thriving in me.”

My energy has shifted. Each one of these turnaround statements have as much probability of being true as did my original negative thought. What’s more each one of these positive statements makes me feel so much better about my life and my circumstances. Nothing else has changed, except the thoughts that I am placing in the place of pride on the mantel of my mind.

This new way of choosing light over darkness might not last forever and in fact, at this early stage of the next level of my personal growth, it more than likely will not. I am ready for it to shift and change and become what it is in each moment of each day; ready to pause and ask myself the questions that will help me know what is most true for me and, just as importantly, what is actually useful to me and to my fellow human beings.

What has become clearer to me since we last spoke

What has become clearer to me since we last spoke is that I have the tools I need to make my life the best it can be. It has also become clear that I have to keep noticing how bad some of my thoughts make me feel and return again and again to the process of questioning their validity and truth. What has become clearer to me since we last spoke is that I am getting closer to where I want to be, one satisfying connecting placement of differently coloured and shaped pieces at a time. What has also become clearer to me since we last spoke is that I am ready, willing and able to help others do the same.

I am Sandra Butel and this is my beautywalk. What’s yours?

Resources for Further Study and Personal Growth

There are whole lot of YouTube videos of Byron Katie using her techniques on people from all walks of life and if that is your jam feel free to do a deep dive on her YouTube channel. This short video does a great job of describing her story of transformation.
If you want to learn more about what coaching with me is all about please feel free to schedule a free beautywalk coaching session with me. I am currently taking on new clients and am open to whatever type of barter or payment works for you as part of my dedication to the advancement of the moneyless share economy and as a way to make the magic of coaching accessible to all.
My Positive Intelligence based program From Worry to Worthy offers you an opportunity to move yourself from being ruled by the thief of the past and the thief of the future to being fully grounded and guided by your wisest present moment self. Check out the full program details and book your first free session with me to get started.
If you are interested in signing up for TrustedHouseSitters you can get a 25% discount (as well as pass on 2 free months of membership to me in the process).

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