Small Steps

Sandra Butel beautywalk unconditional positive regard coaching change Ross Ellenhorn Jeff Warren James-Olivia Chu Hillman Montreal — *Sun dappled steps …* Photo by Sandra Butel

I am Sandra Butel and this is my beautywalk.

beautywalk is my journey towards finding the courage and compassion to embrace and accept all the many parts of who I truly am as I move myself from where I am to where I want to be.

It is all about small steps

Research shows that the human brain can’t handle more than small steps and yet, we are so sensitive to the idea that these small steps, and the harsh truth of having to make them over and over and over for the rest of our lives, is an insult to our greatness.

How we change

I have been noticing this struggle in myself this past week; the belief that I should be able to bring about lasting change in myself without much effort and without having to, heaven forbid, revisit it again and again. The book I am reading right now is about change and how anxiety and shame can get in the way as we move from where we are to where we want to be. Ross Ellenhorn’s book “How We Change: And 10 Reasons Why We Don’t”, has been inspiring me with its insights as I make my way from where I am to where I want to be, one little repetitive baby step at a time.

Taking a break

I recently made my way to Montreal for a little apartment hunting and as a break from the sorting and decision making and ongoing work of getting our Regina house ready for renters before our big move. Our son Nico is also having an art exhibition at Concordia University and I wanted to be there to see it in person and support him in any way I can. It’s been a much needed break after 4 months of facing up to all those things we have been storing in our closets and drawers and hidden away spaces in our almost forever home.

I picked up two separate pet sitting gigs to keep me from getting too lonely and to cover the majority of my accommodation costs, with a few days here and there where I will be renting a room at a friend’s place in between. My first spot is in a deluxe two level condo in Vieux Montreal with a determined and sweet tempered dog named Wolfie who is currently whining in the kitchen for me to take him on his morning walk. Back to you in a moment, nature calls.

Shift in perspective

I’m back. I am seated on one of the matching brown leather sofas, a rust coloured velvet pillow propped behind my back, my deep blue Adidas sweatshirt covered by the pompom laden neck scarf I found for $5 in Santa Fe. Fingers on the home keys, Wolfie is tip tapping his way around on the blond of the main floor hardwood, pausing to rub his head against the chenille covered pillows on the sofa that sits in anticipation across from me.

I get the distinct impression that the sofa is calling to me, wondering as he might, why I have chosen this time to sit with his twin and what that means about his usefulness this morning. I want to reassure him that I chose this side so I could look out the window into the street outside as I make my way deeper into the happenings contained inside my own head, body and spirit. I want to let him know that it is not him that is in question but the hours I spent on his soft leather surface, watching Netflix shows that I am wanting to put on the back burner for the moment. Wolfie has taken his cue from me and has settled, head resting on the right arm of the more easterly sofa, his thick and sturdy cream and brown coloured curl covered tail resting a foot away from where I am seated.

This is the moment

This is the moment I have been given. These words come out unbidden and gently draw me back into my ongoing efforts to embrace the mechanisms and accompanying feelings of the changes I am choosing to make in my, as Mary Oliver so aptly dubbed it, “one wild and precious life.” There are so many things I want to relay to you about change and about what I am learning about it and about myself in the process of taking the definitive steps necessary to move away from my previous life in Regina towards a brand new life in Montreal.

Change is hard

A couple of things have become clear to me as I pack and organize and make decisions accompanied by Ellenhorn’s voice reading his own words in the background. The first is that change is not easy and that I am not alone in my struggles to move from where I have been to where I want to go. Deciding to move towards change and continuing on that path to change is difficult and there are distinct advantages to staying exactly the same. In Ellenhorn’s assessment there are 10 reasons why we stay the same and I invite you to delve into them on your own time by reading the book as I am only going to touch on a few of them here.

Reason #7 Staying the same protects you from the insult of small steps.

Legwork

One of my goals on this fortnight stay that comes 6 weeks before our final move here is to do some legwork on finding a place for us to rent for later in the summer. We will be starting out our adventure with 2.5 months of caring for other people’s pets in other people’s homes, giving ourselves a chance to get oriented and to find the ideal place for a more long-term settling down. I have spent the last few days researching on Marketplace, on Realtor.ca and reviewing the rental listings that have been sent to us by a Montreal realtor.

Yesterday I made my first two visits to potential apartments, taking the small step of poking my nose into a few spaces, seeing what questions and understandings come up for me about the process of being a tenant for the first time in almost 30 years. The first one was way too small and I could not imagine Francis and I being at ease with so little personal space between us. The second one was part of a building that had 4 different spots up for rent, 2 that were in the process of being renovated, 1 that I only got to see pictures of that had already been completed and 1 that was staying old school without an upgrade to the newer more slick type of bathroom and kitchen of the others. As I made my way around the building, a trail of others like ducklings behind me, I wondered how in the hell I was going to be able to make any kind of decision on my own.

Fear of Hope

Thoughts of, “What the hell was I thinking?” and, “This is crazy. Starting again at our age is a sign that I have completely lost my mind.” And “I am never going to find a place that is going to give us a chance at a happy life.” Here it was, Ellenhorn’s concept of “Fear of Hope,” that anxiety that pops up as soon as we push ourselves forward towards the growth and change we most desire in our lives.

It is often remarkable to me how hopeful we are as human beings. I see it in myself how I end up pulling myself out of my moments of despair with some kind of idea that there is something more out there for me to experience. No sooner do I take a step outside my comfort zone than I am hit with the anxiety that this new endeavour is going to lead to disappointment or failure or worse yet, shame at my lack of ability to make something of my life. I want nothing more than to curl up under the covers, or lay down on the couch across the way, and fill my head with the numbing of more shows, more games on my phone, more scrolling through the non-stop garbage that pops up on the typical social media feed.

How to stop the spinning

So what do I do about the anxiety that comes when I dare to hope for more in my life? How do I take the steps I want to take in spite of the fear that zings through my body, turning my mind into a ferris wheel on full speed threatening to let go of its moorings and fling off into the greyness of a rainy sky before it crashes to earth and I am left with no way of picking up the pieces?

First things first. I acknowledge the fear. I take the time to sit with it, sensing into where it is most present in my body. I seem to feel it in my knees right now and in the deep of my solar plexus. There is a vertiginous weightlessness in the top of my head and my shoulders are calling out to me to get my attention. I do as Ellenhorn suggests and do my utmost to make room for the possibility of sameness by exploring and accepting the reasons that I might be tempted towards staying where I have been and nestling into the comfort and security of what I already know. I acknowledge that the only way forward is with little steps towards my goal, taken with intention and full awareness that change, especially personal change that I hold so near and dear to my heart, will not in any way be easy. It is not meant to be easy and it has never been, nor will it ever be easy for any human being ever.

Unconditional positive regard

This sense of accepting the limitations that form the very basis of what makes us all humans has some kind of relief wrapped up inside of its tummy knotting discomfort. If I can accept that I am human and by extension that everyone around me is also human then perhaps I can get to a place of unconditional positive regard that James-Olivia Chu Hillman, Jeff Warren and Tasha Schumann talked about on the latest The Mind Bod Adventure Pod podcast I listened to yesterday. The basic idea is that if we as human beings are all doing the best that we can considering all that presses down upon us from both inside and outside of ourselves, then there is every reason to find value in ourselves and in every other human being just for being human. This is the gift we give first to ourselves and then to one another by extension.

Ellenhorn talks about this in terms of finding the middle ground between humility (finding joy in your talents and humour in your foibles) and hubris (having to believe and prove to others that you are exceptional); that magical place where we are halfway between pride and shame. The “humility zone” is where we choose to accept the reality that small steps are the only way anyone has ever gotten anywhere ever. We have to go back to the next step and the next step and we will have to go back to this every day for the rest of our lives. This is the place where we can not only bask in the motivational power of hope, it is also the place where we can celebrate the achievement, and in so doing gain additional inspiration from each of our small steps as we complete them.

Taking responsibility

An important part of accepting the reality of what is and who we are in the moment comes down to taking responsibility for our own lives. I see this often in my own life and in that of the clients I work with, this incredible desire we have for someone to reach down and save us from having to do the work for ourselves and the equal resistance to getting on with doing what needs to be done to move forward. This is partly why I love Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein so much; the story she weaves of the evil that is born when Dr. Frankenstein is unable to take responsibility for what he has created. If only the Dr. Frankenstein had been able to own up to what he had, in his human combination of strengths and weaknesses, brought to life and do the work of creating a loving partner for his “monster” then his loved ones would have been saved. What kind of monsters are we creating and carrying around inside our hearts and minds that are only asking for our acknowledgement, acceptance and empathy?

Celebrate small steps

Back to my latest dilemma of moving myself and my partner literally across the country, from one city to the other. After doing all the things to avoid feeling the discomfort of the uncertainty that lies ahead and after trying to find a way to jump ahead to the successful end where I find the ideal apartment without sustained effort, I find myself ready to be precisely where I am. I settle into the reality of being a human being with strengths and weaknesses. I find a way to have a laugh at how much effort I expend trying not to feel the anxiety I am actually feeling. I decide that I am going to start a new practice of taking the time to celebrate small steps as they are taken. I start a new document and I note down each of the small steps that I took today towards my various goals: physical health, mental and spiritual health, moving to Montreal, relationships, etc.. As I write down the series of actions that I took in my day I feel a distinct loosening of the knot in the middle of my gut. I take a moment, as my Positive Intelligence practices have taught me, to celebrate with a waving of my arms and some “Way to go Sandra’s” repeated inside my head, knowing full well that it is in recognizing and celebrating these small steps that I will find the motivation to keep going.

One step at a time

I take one final sip of my now cold morning coffee, turn my head to glance at Wolfie where he is curled up in front of the unlit fireplace across the room and prepare myself for the necessary steps that will take me from where I am right now to where I want to be. I have another apartment visit booked for later today and I have to figure out what combination of walking, bus, transit and waiting will get me there by 11: 15 am. I am ready to approach this in my uniquely imperfect way. I make a commitment to myself to take note of my steps forward in tonight’s “celebrating small steps” practice before I settle down for another night of restful sleep so I can wake up the next morning and do it all over again, one step at a time.

I am Sandra Butel and this is my beautywalk. What’s yours?

Resources for Further Study and Personal Growth

I am here as a coach to work with you as you take the steps needed to move from where you are now to where you want to be next. Reach out for your free beautywalk session to see what one on one coaching with me is all about.
There is so much to learn in the world from like-minded humans. Check out Jeff Warren and Tasha Schumann and their weekly podcast Mind Bod Adventure Pod. They have awesome conversations with awesome guests and have a lot of fun while doing it.
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